Notes

I stumbled upon Christina's channel in 2013 I think, I was watching music on youtube with auto play on, and her cover of counting stars came on, and I didn't know this voice so I clicked on her youtube channel just to know who she is.

Then i found out she was on the voice and even though I never watched the voice, I felt proud of her, even though I didn't know her. Then I just went off and left her, to watch some one else's youtube videos. That was the last time I saw her, I completely forgot about her. Not because I was distracted, it was because at the time I didn't have any interest in her or her music, I knew she was a great person from seeing the stuff I did see,

but I never went further with her, I didn't check up on her or anything. A few hours after she died I was feeling bored so I checked this streamer's twitter to see if he was going to stream, and then I saw that he wrote a tweet that said "#RIPChristinaGrimmie Such unbelievable news. May she rest in peace." And when I saw that I didn't fell anything, because I had forgotten her name.

So at the time I had no idea who this girl was, so I googled her name. And when I first saw that picture of her in the red top with the fedora-like hat, I just immediately started crying. And for every day since then I have been at war with my self, trying to keep all my emotions inside. But I couldn't stop searching her name and looking at photos of her and posts about her death, and every time I was about to cry I tensed my face and kept the tears in. It was only till later that I let a few tears slip, And I was scared of feeling this way and these emotions because I had never experienced grief before.

I didn't know what to do with grief so I kept it inside. I found out that she was christian so for some reason my belief in the existence of god increased, because I wanted her back no matter what the cost, I even shouted at god for not interfering and saving her. She managed to make me grieve for the very first time in my life, even though I didn't know her. Every time I see the word death or shot or anything like that I remember Christina and I feel like there is nothing important left in the world. I can't even say or write what happen to Christina because my mind refuses to accept it.

It still confuses me why I am so impacted by her death, because I didn't know her at all, I had no interest in her when I first saw her back in 2013. But I feel like I can't live without her, And I don't want to let her go, I know that some day I will get over it and I will continue living normally, I know that holding on won't do any good, and it's not that I CAN'T let her go, it's just that I DON'T want to. Even as I am writing this I have her twitter open, her twitch open, I have a google images tab with images of Christina, I have her Facebook open, I have her Instagram open, I have her youtube channel open and a google news tab of Christina. I just don't want to let her go.

I cant wrap my head around why someone who had no significance in my life and someone who I wasn't even interested in, has impacted me so much, And because I left her and forgot about her I feel guilty about wasting 3 years of my life NOT making memories of her. every person's speech about says that we should cherish the memories we have of her, but I don't have any memories of her, so while every one else is thinking about all the funny and great times they had with her, I am sitting here at my computer staring at pictures of her, and this makes me sad because these are the moments I am gonna remember her by, which is me crying while looking at pictures of someone who I missed out on. Christina was the most important thing in this world that has existed... and I missed it. Because of this I will never be able to be at peace with my self, I will never be part of TeamGrimmie, I will never be able to support her dreams, I will never get a hug from her, I will never get a response from her when I comment on her media, I will never exist in Christina's world. This is why I don't want to let her go, this is why I can't fully accept that she is gone. The only memory I have is leaving her and thinking that she is just some youtuber...

I wish I never left her.