Notes

- I was watching TV with my wife, and we were scrolling thru the channel menu. Some adult title started to pop up, and I was like oh check that out. She was like you want to watch that? I was like no, come on, just joking. Then she went into make a salad and was like what dressing do you want? I said Lesbian vinaigrette please? Or no wait... Sesame Ginger's first time with a black guy?
- An Indian yoga teacher once wrote to explain the power of the human body that one drop of semen contains $150 worth of nutrients. So if you have a meal and are out of extra cash for the tip, you know what to do! Start masturbating until you get to that magical 20% gratuity! Here's your tip pal! Enjoy!!
- We were hiking in San Luis Obispo, and everyone as they pass each other says a friendly hello, as though everyone is so happy and peaceful and so lucky just to be here. When someone says hi to me I just had the urge to say: “Don’t you see we have a dysfunctional family!!! I just argued with my wife for 3 hours this morning over nothing!!! And you want to say hi to ME!!! What is wrong with you!!!”
- Wives can get a little crazy right? My wife was somewhere with our 5 year old. I am meeting them there, so I pull up, and our 5 year old is basically running around the parking lot, obviously not the safest thing in the world, and my wife was perhaps distracted by something so she wasn't watching our daughter. I pull up, and as I pull up, my wife sees our kid playing in the parking lot, and she looks at me and says "she's in the parking lot!!!" in the tone that I WAS THE ONE WHO DID IT!! I just fucking got here lady!!! Its not my fault!! For God's sakes...
- I have this gay man inside me, but I am not gay. I hear his voice and it just kind of makes me laugh. For example, I was asking this guy who was wearing a 24 hour fitness t shirt like he worked there, and I asked him where the Cheesecake factory was (I was at a mall). He told me the directions in a straightforward and simple way, basically just keep walking straight and you’ll hit it. He was carrying a cup of ice cream. I said thanks. But in my mind, my gay man was like “can I get a little taste of your ice cream?”
- I got a work email yesterday that was initially frustrating, but ever since I saw the funny side, it was less frustrating and just comedic material. I asked some guy for more documentation about his company, and he replied with: “If I choose to do business with you, I will send you the documentation.” Oh really dickhead. Well if I choose to do business with you I will come to your office and ejaculate on your face. That’s how you’ll know it's real. I will cum on your face.
- I keep seeing people comment on certain LinkedIn posts saying things like: “That’s not for LinkedIn, that’s for Facebook!” Or things like “this belongs on Facebook!” Oh really...who the fuck made you the LinkedIn police, mr high and mighty? Nobody did you dick. That’s the most and high and mighty bullshit I have ever seen. That’s for Facebook?? Give me a break.
- I was in yoga class and during this pretty difficult pose, the instructor said "ok now think of all the things your grateful for." Are you kidding me? I have to fucking make a list while I am just trying not to have a fucking aneurism in this pose??!! What do you want me to do next, the fucking SAT? Are you insane?
- Sometimes you can get pretty jacked on coffee. I usually don't drink coffee, but one night I had 2 cups, and I was jacked up. I was walking home, and literally in my mind I started to think: "wait, am I running?" Am I actually running, and if so how did that happen? But actually I was just walking, but jacked up on coffee. When you're jacked up on coffee, you drink so you can get more done, but actually you don't have time for anything or anyone in the present moment, you just always need to get to the next moment as fast as possible. "I can't talk to you right now, too slow, too boring, I'm on coffee motherfucker!"
- I was walking outside and there was an ad for this new apartment building with rentals. The ad literally said something like: "Move in now, and turn your friends GREEN WITH ENVY!" What kind of asshole dickheads is this ad geared towards? Yeah in truth I actually hate my friends, definitely don't want the best for them, and actually base my major life decisions on what will make them the most jealous. That's what I do." This building will be a building full of assholes. Green With Envy...what a dickheaded advertisement.
- I was walking in New York City at 5:30 in the morning. I saw numerous people smoking cigarettes at 5:30 AM. That is absolutely crazy and I feel like a symbolic gesture towards life itself. I mean, people who like cigarettes every now and then or even every day wake up and don't feel the need to have a smoke but then have a stressed-out day and then they want to smoke one when they are stressed out that's OK. But those people that smoke right when they get out of bed at 5:30 AM are basically saying FUCK YOU to life itself..."arghhhhh....another day, another piece of shit. I need a cigarette immediately, and I am literally not even out of bed yet. Life, you think you got me by the balls huh? Well I don't think so, I'll just smoke a cigarette at 5:30am before I even get out of bed. That's the ticket.