Notes

Wild - I hate myself and it's all through Gabby, which major sucks. I've never felt this level of envy and inadequacy before and I hate myself for it. But I also just like...Gabby is so cool. Gabby is amazing. Gabby is everything - smart and funny and interesting and busy. And it still fucking hurts me that she is going to prom with me when she has this fucking girlfriend of hers and I feel like a fucking cock block and a fucking kill joy (tm). and I can't get it out of my head now and days that everyone is right and that I'm the worst and I'm inadequate and I can't do anything and I'm an asshole and I'm just...I'm not her. She is like everything I wish I could be and can't because I'm too fucking anxious and too fucking lazy. I'm better of dead forever but no I have to have my heart sitting in my fucking throat at twelve-fucking-thirty AM because I'm a piece of shit. I'm a no-good worthless piece of shit. I sound like a middle schooler and I have no shame because I've had no growth. I'm always going to be this piece of shit. I'm a terrible friend and a loser and a lazy-ass and a joy kill and a bitch and a whore and a fat slut and an asshole. I'm an asshole. I'm never going to accomplish anything and I hate it. AND WHY CAN'T I FEEL IT ANYMORE. I WANT TO FEEL HOLLOW SO I HAVE A REASON TO BE A SHIT.

Yeah but it's funny let's count: I don't read books, I don't go out, I don't listen to shit, I don't watch shit, I sit inside and fucking trap myself in not-my-head, I don't socialize, I don't speak honestly, I don't make friends, I don't look for things to do, I don't get involved, I don't strive, I don't have motivation, I don't have good ethic, I don't have anything at all. I'm going to die but it's going to hurt in my sleep when I call my own name with my voice in not-my-mouth. I'm going to die but it's going to pass dreamily and everything will exist without my name in a mouth. I'm going to die but it won't be tonight and it won't be yesterday and it won't be my 12th or 13th or 14th birthday because I am only good at lying when it doesn't matter. I'm going to die but it doesn't matter to me or anybody else because I'm going to die and I am me. People are only going to cry if I stick my fingers down. People will write nice notes if it's my hands. But I'm fearful. I don't take risks. I don't have faith or confidence. I stare at the puzzle like the way I stare out the window after a sleepless night. I think killing myself could be the best worst thing but it's alien to me. Unknown to me. Impossible. But I...