Notes

Last night, all the good time we spent together was ruined towards the end of our call. I went to bed feeling extremely angry and until now i am trying to get it under control with little or no success. When i suggested we have a video call yesterday, you said that you didn't prefer. i understood and decided to send you a selfie. before i could send it to you, you were going to say something about a deal to make everyone happy, i guess? but i told you that i had already planned to send you a selfie so you decided to not say what you were going to say and i had to beg you just to listen to what you had in mind...still, you didn't tell me. I felt weird because i felt that once you knew that i was going to give you what you wanted , you decided to completely ignore what i said and move on with no regard to what i wanted. each time this happens in all its little different situations that keep happening in our interactions, i remember the days when i used to not stop when you ignored my requests and i started begging you to make you listen to me...mostly the begging failed. maybe i haven't made it clear enough when i mentioned before. It hurts me on a very deep level when i think about the humiliation that comes along with begging for anything. Begging makes me feel humiliated and maybe it's time a random fact about most arab guys which definitely applies to me, one of the extremely important parts about us is our sense of dignity and price. i let go of many things that i love in my life just because i won't beg my parents for it. the feeling of humiliation isn't something i am prepared to live with. as a matter of fact, i can't live with it at all. yesterday, you decided to completely neglect everything i said and go on with the conversation since i already did what you asked me to. i don't ignore you like that ever. getting brushed off like that when i ask for something, without even any kind of reaction made me feel cheaper than dirt. you didn't even try to tell me that we'll do it later or anything. i was supposed to beg for any piece of information...but i didn't. this reminded me of the old days when i had to beg a lot. as a direct result of that, i stopped doing a lot of things. i lost a great part of my passion in our relationship because i don't want to have to beg. all through my life i usually ended up hating what i have to beg for. so that's why i don't ask you for anything as much as before...because i don't want the humiliation feeling to take over me. you must have noticed that i am not waiting for you each night until 1 am outside my house. that's one of the main reasons. i can't begin to tell you how deeply hurtful it is for me when you do that. it has a huge bad effect on our relationship. i am asking you for the last time to not leave me feeling humiliated like that. i have tried to discuss it over and over again until i was accused of being ungrateful. Just read this note and confirm to me that you understand my message. i don't to have more 'discussions'. if you really really MUST ask me about it then go ahead, but i would prefer to not talk about it. This will be the last time i ever mention this topic because it's starting to feel like i am begging for attention.
Do you want to know something? When i told you yesterday that we are going to work together on my fears...i still had no idea if that's the right decision...i have no idea how i am going to do it or if i will succeed. i took that decision with the intent to do my absolute best on achieveing it just to keep your heart safe. Do you get what i am trying to say? I took a life changing decision that i have no idea if it was right just because i don't have the heart to see you cry and do nothing about it. I am literally risking it all just to protect your heart and for your happiness. So I didn't expect it at all to be humiliated like that by getting forced to choose between begging or being completely ignored when i went ahead and asked for something during our call. Maybe that made me even more angry this time.
Hope you get my point.