Notes

i would like to apologise if it hurt your feelings. i never meant it that way. i guess you know that i don't like to talk about the past and i understand why you want to know. so now i would like to get everything clear to you so i wouldnt have to dwell too much to the past.
first things first, i wanted to give the teddy bear away but i didnt bcs i feel like i dont have any memories with it and it actually doesnt remind me of him. so i left it. not knowing it would hurt you,and im really sorry. i'll throw it away now. second, he didnt exactly cheat on me. its very complicated. its like he prefer getting caught red handed with that girl then proving them that he is actually with me. and we actually broke up because my mom didnt want us to be together but truth is,i didnt want to be with him anymore so i didnt have a good reason to dumb him and when my mom came along i felt relieved. im sorry if i havent got it straight abt kissing him. i never wanted to kiss him anyways. yes we basically kissed two times but one wasnt really kiss. i didnt want to consider kissing bcs i didnt want to remember about it. i never wanted to remember anything about him,about my past. i never even wanted to tell anyone about it. bcs i already know i'm a player. it's so hard to even explain and im so embarassed. and i guess its all meant to be like this. i'm meant to keep stuff from people just so they'll love me for someone who isnt me. yes i lied. and im sorry. i really am. karma hits me back shitty hard. from all the hearts i broke to the countless guys i dated. all i wanted was just to be loved,and really be loved but i only realise that love doesnt come in faking everything. i was scared of the truth. i was scared of telling you the truth and now i have too and you're the only one that i did. i can assure you ray is the only ex i've kissed and we never did anything more. and thats for you to believe if you want too. Now you know what person i am. and now yk why everyone left. bcs i push those who showed that they dont care,i was desparate for love. and all i wanted was for someone to love me like i loved them. so i basically accepted the guys that gave me enough attention knowing that they actually dont love me and i dont love them. it was all 'puppy love' and that is why everyone left me. and that is why i'm not good enough. but i love you,and this time i really really really do. i love you so much that i'm actually explaining this to you. and if this relationship ends due to my immature decisions. im sorry but knowing that it ended with the truth would be better.