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It feels like a never ending race taking place in my mental space where there can be no winner. A finish line that appears to be just out of sight, prompting the participants to push through the final stretch that doesn't exist. They run faster and faster without any signs of hesitation between each sentence, each word, each syllable, each letter. A convoluted string of incomprehensible hatred and paranoia flows through each and every neuron in my swollen brain: Someone's watching you. You aren't alone. You're never alone. We're here. You're here. They're here, and they hate you. We hate you. You hate you.
I breathe. Why are you doing that? You look ridiculous. Everyone knows you're panicking right now. Give it up.
I leave. Why are you doing that? You look ridiculous. Everyone knows you're panicking right now. Give it up.
I cry. Why are you doing that? You look ridiculous. Everyone knows you're panicking right now. Give it up.
If you listen closely, you can hear a few "kill yourself"s woven in.
This is far from unfamiliar; the only difference between then and now is my experience with these demons.
These voices cannot hurt me and as much as my foggy mind pushes me to believe this is true, I have my fog lights on.
I will breathe as deeply as my lungs allow;
I will leave as confidently as my weak, shivering body will let me;
I will cry as expressively as my teary eyes can manage;
I will live.
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