Notes

Hey Tori, I've been needing to get all of this off my chest because it's hurting both me and you: I think you can probably already tell that I have a lot of issues in general, but especially with controlling situations that I feel can hurt me, the truth is I say I trust you and I say I want to help us but in reality I'm trying to help myself and most of the times I don't even notice it, sure SOMETIMES what I'm saying may be right and come from a good intention but because of my habits and the way I'm forced to live I go about it all the wrong ways and always hurt you and myself. I never ever want to hurt you, and I try not to but because of my past and my family I still do. You've been so kind and caring to me when you notice that I start to be bothered or worried about something yet I refuse to tell you what it is and it builds up and causes me to be untrusting, emotional, and depressed, if you want to we can talk about it (I'm not going to just open up about it in this message because to be honest you probably don't even want to hear it right now after how just rude I've been to you), lately I've been so uncertain about almost every single thing in life because of somethings going on with my family and its caused me to have a relapse back into how I was when certain other things were happening with them, its unhealthy and unfair for me and you, to be honest the only things that I'm certain about in life are that you make me happy, I love you, and that I never want to hurt you. I'm trying to get better but a lot of the times I've failed even though I try to change, and I know it's probably selfish of me to ask this but please also acknowledge the times that I've succeeded and done right, I know it's not a lot but please think about those and help me move forward and continue to get better, I know it sounds silly but I've always been the type of person that if I tell myself that no matter what I'm changing something about myself, I can do it, I just rarely have the courage to tell myself that, but in order to become better for you and to change into a healthier me, you've given me the strength to promise myself that, and from today forward I swear to you and myself and everything that I believe in and love that I am changing myself and stopping these bad habits that I've also dragged you into. I planned on telling you a form of this yesterday along with some other things but I screwed that up too because of how I communicate, because of that I made a promise to myself that I won't let myself act like that again, so now I swear on everything that it will NEVER happen again, I can't let it happen again, for my sake and yours, if you want to trust me and believe in me one more time to see that it won't you can, and if not I understand, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to ask you to please know how sorry I am for the things that I have done and please, let me prove this to you, and to myself, and fix what I messed up.

This is an addition to it so itll be rougher cuz the other part i focused on and wrote up over days for sum parts and hours for others, but in this i just want to say that all of that is the truth and im honestly sorry andd i want to say that you make me happy tori and you brought back a part of me that i thought i lost forever so im always scared of losing you, its basically like i found a light in the dark again and now im stifling it by holding it to close anytime i think im going to lose it. i had a dream last night that made me realise this and put together all of the things ive been wanting to tell u and ive been feeling this week (and since youve been trying to get me to open up in general) so when i woke up i wrote them down so i didnt forget, im sorry that ive been so unfair to you in alot of ways and also double sided with saying one thing then acting in a different way, i honestly love you so much tori and owe u so much because of what youve done for me, im sorry ive been repaying you in such a double sided way and i hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one last time and let me try again for myself and for you, i promise you i wont let you down again, I love you.
-Samuel <3