Notes

Dear Agata:

As your dad likely told you, the DA was not yet decided on whether to offer you a disturbing the peace with 12 anger management sessions in lieu of a domestic battery with 52 sessions of batterer’s treatment class, etc. He said he hadn’t yet had a chance to call Jeremy. I told him that we would give him another couple of weeks. If he hasn’t spoken with Jeremy by the next date, I can see him just going ahead and offering the deal. If, per chance, he speaks with Jeremy and Jeremy were to speak ill of you and/or state that he lives in fear of you and/or believes that you need to learn the lessons that only a serious criminal conviction and 52 sessions of batterer’s treatment class, etc., can teach, then, conceivably, the DA will not drop down to the lesser offer. So, you need to think hard about that in as much as the things you do and say around campus, on social media and to mutual friends and associates might possibly influence him. Again, you are to have no direct or indirect contact with him but, at any cost, do all you humanly can to avoid doing things that he or others might consider odd or in any small threatening to him or his reputation. I told your dad that, while he may not feel in physical danger, if he thinks you are maligning him by telling others (as you have told me and your dad) that you think he is trying to orchestrate encounters with you so as to get you in trouble, or for any other purpose, then you may as well assume that that may get back to him and may make him want to tell the DA a thing or two about how dangerous you are and about how you just don’t get it.

I have watched you over time get extremely upset about your situation to the point where you have trouble focusing. I am concerned about that, of course. I am also concerned about your tendency to at least say, often, that you have lost all hope that you can get beyond this rough period of your life. You can DEFINITELY get beyond this. Please remember that. Also, please stay engaged to whatever extent you can with the mental health profession. Take any medications as prescribed. Don’t use illegal drugs. Don’t drink alcohol. Don’t be around illegal drug sales. Don’t associate with dealers. Don’t possess drugs other than what you have been described. Exercise. Eat right. Sleep. Gather a letter from your therapist that proves you have been to therapy and document that you have been prescribed psych meds. Follow the guidance of your parents. They are on your side. If they decide they want you to move home for the time being in as much as you seem too to them to be very distracted and possibly on a self-destructive path and are otherwise at risk of something else bad happening to you, take it for what it is: A loving gesture in furtherance of your well-being; not an assault on your character nor a punishment.

If you feel unsafe for any reason, call the police. Don’t harm yourself in any way. Be your own best friend.

Call me if you need to talk. I can make time but I want you to focus on the issues at hand and avoid accusing others of wrongdoing unless it directly affects you and is very real and current. You need to work out your anger issues from the past in therapy, not with just anyone you come into contact with. You can’t necessarily trust people other than trained and experienced members of the mental health profession to guard your privacy and to give good advice about relationship troubles, depression, anxiety, etc. Come to terms with the fact that everyone, including your friends and parents (and certainly Jeremy) are human, prone to error, and can’t, collectively, nor individually, necessarily solve every problem that you have. You have to work on the small number of problems that you can realistically influence and narrow the field of people you look to for support. Therapists are the best for this sort of thing and that is why I keep repeating the advice.

I will be in touch on or before the 6th.

Take care.

Sincerely,