Notes

why cant you just understand that i have so much fear and im not sure y i try to push it away but its hard and i tend to get so frustrated and stressed to the point i crawl up in bed and cry till i just collapse and fall asleep many things over the years have got me but one that doesntt seem to go away would be just do it with your twin, you still have your twin, i sure your twin will be nice enough. i love my twin but she drivesme insain though and nreaks me down i see her everyday, everynight, since for ever and someimes i want to meet new people and hang with other friends i share everything with her i want to be my own person. Its like she has taken over my life like seriously how can someone be so ungrateful? How can someone be so selfish? How can someone be so rude and whiny that they can't see past themselves? how can someone be so inconsiderate? How can you just destroy things that other people care about? How do you justify yourself. you aren't this perfect person. No one is below you. You have no right to say the things you do. Who do you think you are. not everything can go your way all the time. Not everyone caters to your specific needs. You aren't God. you can't judge me based on my actions and label me based on one thing I did. You can't make my decisions for me. I'm not your puppet. I don't do things for your approval. I do things because I care about who I am. I know the difference between good and bad. I know what works for me. If you try to label me again or disrespect I swear... I am not ok with being treated like this. Please respect my emotions, property, and my ability to think. stop tearing down my hope. Stop the hypocrisy. Don't tell me you love me and then hate me. It's never funny. look. I've tried ok? I've tried to be accepting and loving and understanding. Take a step back to see the damage that follows. because im done putting up this facade. You aren't my commander. You're only my oppressor. Who will be there when you fall? because it wont be me. and this doesnt apply to just her it applys to all these people out there that find it convienient to talk to me till you get somthing out of it because trust me i dont need anymore fake friend i already have enough. and all the stress of grades really get to me because i will never be as smart as mitchell or maintain the good grades as rachel i struggle whenn it comes to school and when i coe home with a bad grade i am fortunite that my parents dont punish me but they sit there and try to act like its all ok when i know they are mad that i am in trouble but they know and i know because i have been told that i put alot of pressure on myself. sometimes i just need someone who can actually talk to who can be real with me someone who will give me hug and make me laugh and remind me the world hasnt ended. Ive been working on avoiding my breakdowns and i tend to listen to christian music it just helps me chanel my anger and collect myself. i so afraid to share how i feel with others because they use it against me or usually right things down, people have used my feelings against me and have said so many mean things that dont even matter tha much in the long run like why does this person feel the need to call me ugly because i think im pretty so if u have a problem just look away i dont need to know about ur eye problems they dont conccern me or that im so pale like yes this one does bugg me but guess what i dont tend to tan and thats how i was made its not like i had a say i it but i ont feel the need to go put harsg chemicals on my body or expose my self to dangerous rays just so you can be pleased risking my life in the problem. also the way i like to express my self the people i like the way i think that is none of your bussiness so do me a favor and leave me alone and yes i am guilty of judging people and interfereing in these things with other people and even though those people wont see this i am sorry. i am writing this a 2:47 in the morning because i am unable to sleep because of all of this getting to me and i havent been able to sleep on most nights this is juat a portion of my feelings a small portion and as i right this sentence im both crying and smiling as i think about all the good memories i have made and shared the ones that mean so much to me the ones that keep me sane... i will end my journal here because i now feel good and dont feel the need to right instead i will go to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning a little bit more prepared to face life with a positive aditude