Notes

will read directly some of this and some not

- april said that sylvie will just come into a room and she "doesn't care who it is" but that she'll just say what's on her mind (or something like that) or say what she's thinking; just talks about herself; when i was talking about texting, she finished my sentence like "she isn't as invested when it's not in person" and i was like "no no that's just how text is with everyone that's like the nature of texting for most people" but yeah anyway.
- alexa talked about how flirty you are
- april talked about how flirty you are and not just with gays but with everyone
- differences/how this crush manifests for me: i get fulfilled by talking deeply with you and being physical with you---not sexual, but physical. yes, like touching elbows. so this is why this has been weird for me to categorize because it just enriches the friendship for me, doesn't make me agonize like w/ you and sydney. just means that i absolutely love spending time with you and i want to do so a lot. so this is what it means for me.
- that being said, however, i get those things when we're there in person together. over the summer i don't want to be sad. i'm afraid this will happen if, after every time we have to hang up the phone or skype, i feel suddenly sad. i don't want my summer and any potential things ( @ ok cupid and study abroad) to be dampened by my thoughts and not let me ENJOY myself. e.g. not being able to go to friend's show tomorrow (today, at this point, because you're reading this the next day)
-also i don't like how you knew i liked you and let that make you more flirty. if you still don't know what i mean then idk what to do with you. but yeah anyway it wasn't fair and it goes along with my next thing which is that I'm sorry but you LOOOOVE it when people like you like this. you even said it yourself the other day in the woods. (which is like, come on, not flirting?? if you KNOW i liked you like you say you did, then why would you say what you said so explicitly? this bothers me that you're so oblivious and i really want to believe you that you have "no idea" but i can't). like you kept on saying things yesterday that indicated that you were just indulging in this and that you absolutely loved it and that's not fair to the person on the other end because it goes perfectly with what you were saying about being even THAT much more flirty with a queer woman that you know likes you. like encouraging her.
- now i see how people who have one-sided crushes can't be friends. i really don't want to lose you and i need you to understanding that i'm considering doing the "cutting off thing" for ME and not for YOU and i emphasize this b/c a big fear that came to me last night was that you'll compare me to momo and them and if you do that i will be heartbroken so i'm just emphasizing the difference b/c w/ them it was they were supposedly cutting ties with you for your own good; instead, this would be for my own sanity and it would only be temporary
- on the plus side i'm learning about myself in a way that i assume most adolescents learn when they're in their teens but since i didn't have these things happen to me in HS, i'm learning about them now and better now than in my 30s or 40s. so uhhh...thanks?