Notes

Hey Sarie,

Sorry if it seems like I've been cold-shouldering/ghosting you lately. I promise that I have no intention of doing this to hurt or to spite you, especially considering how much you've done for me. You've been a huge help in helping me fix so many of the issues that I never thought I could ever rid of, and for that I am eternally grateful, but there are some that I can no longer hope others can fix for me.

It is especially heart-rending to forcibly remove myself from you, even if temporarily, and it hurts to remove myself from everyone else, but in order to complete my leg of this journey to find myself, after all the changes I've seen, and after all the shit I've out you through, at this point, it's gotta be just me, Alon (no pun intended), on this path. I truly don't know how long this will take, and I do hope you understand where I'm coming from when I say this.

I've been wanting to just go bankrupt on the loan of my problems, ever since I was oh-so young, and the interest on it has been growing, only accelerated by the changes we've both seen in ourselves lately. At this point, there's no bank, psychiatrist, best friend, rower fam, Gainz Goblin, or Supreme Spotter that can bear the cost of this weight on my soul, but me. I've been training to lift this weight off my shoulders all my life, metaphorically, and physically.

I've seen that dark side of life, that no longer wants to even breathe, whose existence believes itself to be unworthy of the gift of life. I know first hand what it means to just default, I've attempted it far too many times for me to just give up now. You've helped me see past that way of thought, to truly believe that my life could have meaning, and that's something I never thought I could do. I know that we both will grow stronger in soul & spirit (& gainz) given time, and time is all that I'm asking for here. I know, given enough time, that I can change me, but there's no y=mx+b or y=(-b±√ (b^2-4ac))/2a to factor out how much time it will take for me to fix myself.

As you probably realized, I have a lot of problems: throughout the years I've tried a million and 1 ways to try and fix them. It used to be that I'd lean on others for support during my crises, but I can't duct-tape the holes in my self worth by destroying my friendships, relationships, and brotherhoods, it's now my time to build this boat from scratch. I've just hurt too many of those I care about at this point to justify treating others the way I have. I've hurt you, and I can't fix the past, no matter how hard I try. And to fix the root of the problem, me, I need space from everyone, even those I hold closest. I really don't mean to hurt you, I'm just tired of destroying everything, especially those I hold close, in my wake:

Hoping some day the ship will rise again,
Hoping that someone who isn't me can fix the problems that are me.

I can't really describe my problems, because I'm still in the process of fixing them, and even I don't yet know the full extent of them. But I do promise that when I've completed this leg of my journey, I can come clean to you, about everything, but right now I need to follow this path by myself, because it's my destiny here. No one, not even you, and everything that makes you so perfect, can fix me without me doing due diligence on my part. It's a shame that I can't have you at my side for this, as your friendship and companionship truly could never valued low enough to ever be bought for any worldly sum, no matter how deep the coffers. But unfortunately, it is what it is, no matter how much it hurts. This was in no way caused by you, and to be fair, as I said earlier, you've been a better, more understanding, more compassionate, more empathetic, and most of all, more real friend in the last 6 weeks I've gotten to know you than everyone else at this school for 6 years. Your help & understanding has been so, so, so indescribably life-changing that I don't think I can even put the extent of my gratitude in writing, words, or waxed poetics. Thank you for all that you've done for me, I hope one day I can make it all up to you.

Sincerely,

Alon

P.S. Just because I'm writing this doesn't mean I'm not holding to my end of the bargain, that if you don't want to be friends with me, after all of my bullshit, just let me know. I know I've fucked up, and I literally have no clue how to make it up to you.