Notes

To the imaginary you

We were sitting on the bench at Millennium Park in Peterborough, Ontario. It was approximately 11:00PM and all you could hear were the waves from the lake.

He was wearing his orange plaid shirt with his “gay” blue jeans and his new glasses he always seemed insecure about. It’s funny because he always hated wearing glasses until I told him they looked good on him. After that, he started wearing them more often.

“Today’s my last day, isn’t it?” He asked me. I looked at him.
“Yeah, it is…” I said quietly. I wanted to cry so much, but no tears came out so my throat just felt in pain. His right arm was around me and I just laid my head on his shoulder. We sat there staring at the moonlight’s reflection. There were still ducks swimming around in the lake.

“We don’t have to say goodbye, you know?” He said softly with his puppy eyes. I smiled.
“I can’t hold on to you forever… I’m sorry...” He was quiet. I could see the disappointment on his face, but he understood. “You know, you’re the reason why I told everyone I was g-a-y. You’re the reason why I started drawing portraits of people. You helped me level up in my fashion sense. And I think you’re the reason why I started eating chicken wings, haha!” I told him. His face lit up just like the time when I gave him his Valentine’s Day card. He giggled.
“Awww, I am so honoured! You really have changed since the beginning, huh?” He responded joyfully.
“Yeah, new year, new me!” I said. And we both laughed.

We started walking near the bridge, holding each other’s hands. It was silent, I just felt his arm next to mine as we walked. We stopped before the dock.

“Well, I guess this is it.” He said to me. I looked into his emerald eyes as they were beginning to get watery. No, please. Don’t do that. I let go of my hand. And I took a deep breath.

“Goodbye, Evan.” I whispered. I hugged him. Tight. He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed.
“Goodbye, Kevin.” My head was on his shoulders. It felt just like the first time he hugged me at Junction.
“I’m going to miss you-” I said, my voice was breaking and my tears fell on his shirt.
“I’m going to miss you too. Take care of yourself, okay?” He said softly. His voice was breaking as well. We stood there for a minute. I felt his warmth and comfort. I felt safe in his arms one last time. I closed my eyes, wishing this feeling would last forever.

And then he slowly vanished like smoke in the air until there was nothing left to hug. I opened my eyes and realized he was gone.

I fell onto my knees.

All the memories I had with him started rewinding in my head. The moment I met him, “Kevin, Evan, it rhymes!” The moment I saw him in his car next to mine, his mouth widened and waved at me. The moment I told him I was gay, he got all jumpy and excited.

Then I realized it was over.
He was gone.
That’s it, no more dreams of him.
No more fantasies.
Back to reality.

I couldn’t stop my tears from falling.