Notes

December 24th, 2014

The cold, piercing touch of snow could make anyone shudder. The snow, it represented elegance and gracefulness. Silent and quiet, as it danced down the night sky, it twinkled as winter's weak moonlight shimmered. While the diverse shapes of snowflakes fluttered down, and gradually fell upon each other in delicate way, I thought about how it always interested a specific person.

"Well?" He asked, keeping his face straight, but his eyes on me.

I kept staring ahead, profoundly deaf to any word he spoke.

He opened his mouth again. "It's cold. Do you want to talk inside?"

I pondered the thought for a long time, finally deciding not to. I didn't feel like going inside to "talk," owning to the fact that I'd end up in his bed, entwined in each other's arms like a vine-covered home.

"Isn't it amazing," I started, looking ahead, "how people can sit and stare at snow all day like it's some sort of hobby of some sort? You like the snow, don't you? I don't know if you still like it. I don't, truly."

Levi turned to look at me. "You're not listening. As usual. But that's one of the things I loved the most about you." He paused. "One of the things I love the most about you."

We looked at each other. We had looked at each other many times, but this time it was different. Before, we had stared in each other's eyes with love, we had peered at each other quietly, sneakily with curiosity, we had even glared at each other in seething disagreement, yet I'd never thought we would look at each other with hate.

I looked down at the book I had in my hand. A Thousand Poems by Malcolm Lake. Levi let me borrow it years ago, junior year, when we met. I had never read a damn poem out of it. I only asked to borrow it to start a conversation. I wonder if he knew that.

It was all bent and out of shape due to my lack of care for it. "Remember this damned book, Lee? Er, Levi. I probably shouldn't call you Lee since we hate each other now." I tossed it onto his lap. "I never read it. Placed a fake bookmark in there somewhere to make it seem like I did. Never did though. Wasn't much interested in the book." I sneak a look at him. "Just the owner."

Levi and I made eye-contact. I loved his stupid blue eyes. He smiled a little as if he knew what I was thinking. "Come inside." He purred.

I shook my head. "I don't even know why I'm here. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have came. I-" I kept shaking my head, as if I'd be able to shake away the matter of the situation. I looked away from him and put my head in my hands; I couldn't stand seeing him look so desperate.

"Do you want me to read the poem you bookmarked?"

"I don't give a fuck, Levi."

He didn't flinch. In the years we dated, had became accustomed to my potty-mouth and even a bit unfazed. He started reading, anyway:

We talk

His eyes said, "I don't want to see this world without you in it." His hands screamed, "I don't want to touch anything in this world but you." His ears whispered, "I want to hear nothing but your voice sultrily cooing in my ear." And, his mind added, "I don't want to dream if you're not sleeping with me."

I glanced at him with tears in my eyes. "Bullshit! That's such bullshit!" I pulled the book from his hands and threw it down the steps of the porch with both hands. I was heaving now.

Levi gripped my arm, firmly. "Is that...a ring?"

We sat still, him staring at my ring and me staring forward, at the snow, at the book, at the lamppost, at the smoke coming out of chimneys. Anything, besides him.

"Say something!" He yelled as I yelped.

I only said, "I told you I shouldn't have come here."

Levi shook his head. "You've only know Blake for, like, six months, Lia. Don't be stupid."

After a while, I finally found the words to say. "You fucked up, Levi. A long time ago. I'm with Blake now. You're lucky I'm even here tonight. I lied about where I was going for you. And for what? For you to try to get me back?" I furiously threw up my left hand, showing off my ring. "I'm engaged now! And I love Blake. I love Blake." Levi flinched. I continued, raising my voice. "I don't love you anymore! Okay? Get over me! Get over us!"

We sat on his porch in the snowy silence for an eternity. He looked dully at his shoes. I looked at him while I protectively fingered my ring. I looked at him long and good. Because this was the last time I was going to see him.

"This is the last time I'm going to see you." I verbalize.

He says nothing.

A century later, I stood from Levi's porch and walked towards my tiny jeep.

"I'm sorry." I said, walking backwards and looking at him. "You made your bed, Levi. Now lay in it."