Notes

{ here goes my life story }

at the age of 4 I was physically abused by my father , he wasn't a drunkard or smoker or a drug dealer , he was just too religious and thought abuse was the solution to everything , it lasted for 8 years ever since I was 4 years old , my mum tried protecting me but only for a short time since my aunt thought that I was trying to mess parents marriage up , my mum stopped siding me and let my dad deal with me , till today I remember how my dad hit me and every single detail is still in my head , it took me 2-3 years to forget , I thought that was the end of abuse but I was wrong , along came this man ( whose my tutor ) that my mum hired to teach me and my younger sisters , he started abusing ( physically ) me and my sister , that's how partially my depression ( undiagnosed ) and anxiety as well as suicidal thoughts came about , I hated going home , at times I cried on the streets and somehow managed to pull myself together and walked home , my sis cried and I couldn't do anything to stop , I went for counseling and asked my teachers for help but hey simply brushed me off , I wanted to go to the police but I know it'll involve my parents and things would just get worse , this abuse lasted for 5 years , and in May 2013 , my mum told him to leave and it all ended , no more abuse ( I hope ) but even then I still live in fear everyday that he'll come back and hell will let loose , it's my biggest fear but the pain I went through , suicidal thoughts and letters I wrote and planned , crying to sleep and whenever I showered , the marks on my hands and backs , seeing my sister get caned in front of me , it wasn't easy , it'still disturbing me till today , that's just half of my life ( let's go back in time a bit shall we ) in 2012 I was in a totally different class , I felt left out and didn't belong in there at all I felt like I wasn't good enough , I had no friends and cried to school , I got bullied about me cutting and being depressed that's the reason to how messed up I am today and just this year I picked up cutting and wrote countless suicide letters , it isn't easy to be strong when there's nobody around you , you've got to be your own hero but if someone is saving you , feel blessed because rarely do you get someone who is willing to save you

and that's about my life I guess , still fighting with my life and fixing things , never ending cycle I guess (-:

[ if you're reading this , you're not alone , don't give up and stay strong , don't cut yourself or purge or starve and please don't ever think of killing yourself , I believe in you more then myself don't hurt yourself , not today , and if tomorrow comes read this again , be strong , save yourself , iloveyou , you're beautiful ♥️ ]