Notes

I could go on and on and on and give example after example of specific behaviors you have done that have intentionally and maliciously hurt me and you will never even acknowledge that I ever told you anything. Is that love? Please tell me. I'm going to end up doing something totally out of control and you will have pushed me there and more importantly, I will have let you. I cannot control your actions. I can beg and plead and try and reason with you and show you what I need and why but so far, and will continue on unchanged. It will all have been a waste of my time. And I feel even worse than when we started. Because not only do I have the original issue to deal with but now have the fact that you flat out do not care about how the whole situation affected me or our relationship as I see it at all. At least not enough to make any kind of real change.
I can only change how I CHOOSE TO REACT TO OTHERS BEHAVIORS.
I left Oceanside intentionally. To get away for bad people, bad behaviors, and to start my life over. This birthday was so important to me. You wouldn't know that because my supposed best friend didn't even send me an email saying happy birthday or ask how my day was. But I am not going to move up here and have to deal with an unstable unhappy unhealthy relationship while I am trying to rebuild MY (WISH IT WAS OUR) LIFE...
I love you so much Ryan and I wish that you could have been what I needed and I could have been what you needed. I tried. I swear to God, I really tried to make you happy and be as much of a help without getting in your way, but it was never right or fast enough or good enough. And I'm tired of feeling like I'm just not good enough. And I'm sure you are tired of having to deal with someone you perceive as not being good enough for you. I love you. I wish you nothing but happiness and success and peace. If there's anything you need from me, you can always ask. BUT I need to focus on myself for a little while.