Notes

So, here is my story. First I need to tell you English is no my mother tongue and I'm not fluent with, my house is only one parent, in my case just mother. Some of those memories are things that nobody know, except me and now you.
This happened to my when I was 2/3 (I don't remember my age, but I known was close to my birthday party). My mom has male friends from another city in home, I was in shower and one of them came in, don't exactly know who, I think was my mother boyfriend at that moment, whatever, he touch my genitals and he left, in that moment was weird but I don't think more deeper in that because I was very young.
Now, here my memory is shit because I try really hard to block everything, but I still have some pieces stuck in my head. This happened to the 3/4 years old me, don't know if this just happened for a few days, weeks, months or years, my brother 8 or 9 years older than me present this to me like a game, told me something like ''It's a secret game between brothers, even mom did this but you can no tell her'', I believed what he said and then we used to rubbed each other and kiss, sometimes I even sleep in his bed because our mother used to work at night, that nights he used to touched me under the clothes. She never notice something wrong was happening, was just one day they were talking about my brother boarding school and I felt ignored, so with a happy smile I said ''You know, my brother and I do this'' while I was rubbing with the bed, she look me really bad and I knew it, she was really angry. Remember a lot of screams while she took clothes, I remember my arm aching because I was being pulled by her, I also remember that not a single look or word was addressed to me as we walked at night to my uncle's house, I cried until fall sleep. She only kicked him out the house days after, she told the hold family except me, I was ignored and never receive help, they look at me with pity, I never tell more details because I felt like nothing was going to change, I tried to forget as many as possible until just left me pieces of what happened. I began to hate that look of pity, and pushed me to be as perfect as possible, I just wanted to get back to normal. Before that, my mother had never beaten me, but after that, anything was reason enough to hit me, especially when she found me masturbating or rubbing against objects, honestly felt good and nobody told me or explained anything, so I started to hide it and think it was really bad.
Another thing happened to me when I was 12/13 years old, in house of my friend I left the bathroom, and his grandfather was outside and began to touch me, I paralyzed to such an extent that I did not even breathe while he touched me and said such nasty things, only stopped until he heard someone approaching, I ran away as soon as I could. I did not say anything because I honestly felt it was not worth it.

I started to have more anxiety around people, whenever I received attention I felt suffocated sometimes I ended up having anxiety attacks or I just vomited everything, the latter was the trigger, but not the greater reason. Although I did not say anything specifically, I began to tell my mother that I needed professional help, but she refused. I was so desperate at the time, I started screaming at her, even told her that it was better if I went with children's services because I was little less than an abandoned kid, she thought I was joking, so when she saw that I was going to call them really hit me and I left without any phone available, this happened just days after the incident with my friend's grandpa.
After that, I just kept my mouth shut about everything, the funny thing is that my mother only offered me professional help a few months ago only after I had an anxiety attack in front of her bosses, and it was only because they were offered to introduce the specialist and pay for it, sadly already knew that she was not going to last in her work so I had no other than say no