Notes

Dear Samira,
I am writing this note while on my way back to London from my UofT interview. I sat on a chair in front of a panel of people selling myself. I was selling an ideal version of Zain. There was one lady that had a bright smile, a nodding head and eyes that lit up every time I spoke about myself. She reminded me of you when we used to hang out at the Arts & Humanities building. The days when I was pitching an ideal man in every aspect to a beautiful young lady who was filled with happiness and butterflies because she thought she hit the jackpot. All I wanted to do was stop midway and tell them how much of an awful and nauseating individual I have been for the past two years. I ran straight to the washroom as soon as the 15 minutes were up and threw up from the built-up anxiety. I was very disgusted with myself because it felt like I was going to hurt someone again the way I hurt you. I can sit here and apologize for making you fall in love with a person that was just a dream with no consistent action. I can sit here and reminisce with you how breathtaking our sex was, my tongue game and every single intimate moment we have shared. I can sit here and laugh with you about all of our adventures and moments we went through. I can sit here and be that listening ear and strong backbone that you always reached out to without hesitating whenever you were stressed. I could do all that talk and more but it means nothing to you anymore because you're finally fed up. Your big heart gave every last second of its love towards me consistently for 15 months. All I gave back was inconsistent love with promises that I will be that ideal man I pitched out back in the Arts & Humanities building. I am a disgrace and a let down. I let myself, you, your friends, your sister and most importantly my parents down. This is not how I was raised and I let them down big time by becoming the trash that you see today. I broke your kind heart when all you wanted was to be happy with me and further the strong, undeniable connection we shared. I am sorry that you had to endure such heart stomping days and months expecting that I will come around and be that ideal Zain. Inconsistency in my love significantly hurt you emotionally especially since you were offering your whole heart. No relationship should go from riding each other with strong eye contact and the short meaningful phrase of "I love you" filling the air to me saying that we should "chill". We went from plans of having a house together filled with endless intimate moments and four kids to nothing but shattered hearts. I said back when we met that I am not like 99.9% of guys out there and I turned out that I am the one of the worst. You have no where to go but up, Samira. I can genuinely say without flirting or sugar coating that you are a strong, independent, intelligent and beautiful young lady that has a lot of happiness and success a head of her. You said you feel sympathy for me but I promise you I will be okay. And I will fulfill this promise this time. I will one day become that ideal Zain with the biggest heart and soul in the world that illuminates and shines in physical form through my smile and twinkling eyes. Your life is much less stressful without me and I will continue to cheer you on towards living your best life like I always do despite us not contacting each other. You are special and don't let anyone hurt you like I did. Stay strong and brave. Focus on what is ahead. I don't want a reply to this because your pure soul has said and bled enough already. I wish I had the opportunity to tell you all I have written in person but that is inappropriate now and I want to thank you for taking precious time out of your day to read this. These were just few of the many things that compress my chest everyday. I needed to put it in words so I can read it over and over to remind myself that I can be and have the potential to be the best version of myself. I am sorry for everything but i know sorry is not enough. I will let you carry on with your life now. Enjoy and make sure to smile big!
Sincerely,
Noodle bunny grape head