Notes

Friday March 30, 2018

Its 11:02 PM and im sitting here trying to gets all my thoughts together. My brain feels like a bunch of words just throw into a big ball. I dont know what im trying to get out of life. Im just living life day by day, but I honestly dont know if I can live like this anymore. It is tearing me apart. I think im fine, I hang out with friends , go and do things act happy. Most of the time its all fake. I dont know how to live with myself. I feel like a failure to my mom. My dad is in my life for about a week and then disappears. I wonder what it would be like to have both my parents in my life since I was born. Right now if my dad trys to actually tries to be a dad, I dont like it. I dont like him coming back into my life acting like everything is okay. My mom doesnt get me. She thinks she does, heck I dont even know who I am. She always yells at me for being in my room all the time, but she doesnt get it. All the time im in my room by myself I am by myself. That is what my brain wants to do. I dont like social things sometimes. I feel like out of everyone in my family, im always the one they judge. Everything I do is wrong to them. My cousins will do bad things and all their parents do is either act oblivious or disapline them for about a week or so. For instance my cousin snuck out and was with a boy . my uncle grounded her for a little bit and then got her a brand new phone. For my other cousin, his parents act like he is the golden boy and never does anything wrong. My brother is the baby so he gets most of the attention , shes my grandma's favorite, she makes everyone laugh. I am just a disapointment to my family. Everything I do is wrong, even tho im always in my room. If I go and hang out with my friends, then my family gets mad at me because they want me to spend more family time. If I stay in my room by myself then im antisocial. I can never do everything right. My sister hates my guts , always brings me down. Sometimes she accepts me for who I am. Other times she screaming at me that she hates me. My mom never listens to me when I want to tell her something or she is always mad at me. If I dont talk to her she thinks im rude and yells at me. I could sit in my room for hours crying and no one. I dont tell people when im upset because I dont want their pitty. Last year, my depression got really bad, to the point I really couldn't control my emotions, so I broke down in class. I started crying and asked if I could go to the bathroom. My teacher followed me out because he knew something was up. All I said to him is I wanted to go home. I went down tot the guidence counclers office (btw our counclers are the worst and do NOT help at all) all she told me is that I could call my mom. I did and she answered I was crying asking her to come pick me up. I didnt want to be there at all anymore. Unfortanually she was at work so she couldnt pick me up. I went the rest of the day upset wanting to die in every class. It was finally the end of the day and my mom picks me up and tells me that she wants me to get help. Months and months go by and nothing. Now its my Freshman year of High School and one of my friends lost his life, I was already falling back into that dark place I was in last year and this topped it off. I went down to the guidence office (much better people) and they recomended a place to go to. I went once and the guy creeped me out so I told my mom I wanted to go somewhere else. It has now been months since I said that and my mom hasnt done anything. She thinks im fine. In reality im not, I cry almost every night. I dont know what to do anymore to be honest. I just try to sleep it off but I dont know if I can do that anymore.


_ Maria Garcia