Notes

I've felt terrible since Monday evening. And i suppose this is clearing the air. i don't want to talk about this to anyone because it just comes out repetitive and unimportant and i don't want to keep bothering them with the same issue they can never fix. so i saw steven on monday and i've since realized how lucky i was to see him again for such a long time. if i didn't deserve to get to nycsef finals, i'm so happy i did so i could see him three times and have him talk to me in that soft voice that always calms me. after i got home i texted him about giving himself more credit than he does because he deserves it because i hate that he's so down on himself because he's such a wonderful person. and he called me sweet and said he was comfortable around me for the second time that day. and i realized that i'd do anything in the world to be the person that makes him feel comfortable and happy forever. but he already has someone for that and i respect their relationship, not that i have an opportunity not to. and on tuesday i woke up feeling terrible. my chest is tight and my breathing is labored and i can't focus on much without returning to that moment. it's difficult. then i saw tahmid every morning and he still hurts me. and i've realized they both became important to me during the same time, around spring/summer 2016. and i remember they were both in the "running" and somehow i was the one who lost. and now they're back and they both mean such different but equally important things to me. whenever i would calm down, i'd only have to depend on seeing him the next morning and driving me into another fit. and on friday, he got into harvard and taught the class and it hurt for the whole 40 minutes and the whole day and i still think about it and it just gets worse. i wished last night that i'd see him again and i really wonder how easy it will be to let go of him. and if i somehow rid myself of both of them when they're gone, when will this happen again. i'm tired of feeling like this.