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idk how to say this but basically um
i hate living and i dont want to exist
i hate interacting with people because it’s painful and i always feel like everyone hates me or i wnd up hating myself
i hate myself a lot and i wanna stop breathing
i have terrible coping mechanisms and um
a lot of this stems from the fact that i have had major depressive disorder/clinical depression for over a year now (possibly dysthymia due to the length) and i have had major anxiety issues that have gotten progressively worse since seventh grade and have become crippling
then there’s also ADHD ive had my whole life and yeah it’s just
a chore to be alive
it is hard
it isnt fun
barely anything brings me joy
now before you assume im committing suicide im not
i dont want to hurt my friends andnim scared of dying
im extrmeely conflicted about my religious views and i dont want to go to hell and i dont know what to believe and this causes me to suffer greatly as i cannot just die and end all my problems
i dont like to talk about this but i keep slipping up and for that i apologize
ive been trying really hard not to tell anyone anything but ive lost my ability to fake being happy and positive and it’s really hurting
i wanna do it again so bad i just wanna be a good person i wanna be the best person and help people and hurt no one and if i hurt myself irs okay as long as i dont tell anyone i just wanna be like that like my dream me my ideal me
i dont need a personality or anything i just need to get along with eveeyone and stop havig opinins and be a good person
even in this in downplaying things because i know if i dont people will get mega concerned and i honestly enjoy some things that i know people will try really hard to get me to stop and will be very very!!! upset by
like any time anyone else does it you guys freak out and beg them not to so. heah sorry im trying to be vague so you dont get concerned
im trying really hard not to bur especially since so many others do it so often it is very hard
sorry
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