Notes

January, 7th 2017. 2:15pm GMT+7

this might be the last letter i write for you. but i don't know.
few hours ago we were talking. i woke up earlier than i should to talk with you. i had fun talking with you. i really did. but i don't know about you. were you feel bothered. were you feel forced. maybe this is one of the reasons why i want to go away. because i feel like, i keep bothering you with my messages. do you know why am i still here? because i'm afraid you will need someone to talk to and not feel comfortable enough to tell your friends about this. i'm worried about you. what if you fight with your parents again. what if you have problems that you can't solve by yourself. that's the reason why i am here. i care about you. i love you. yes, i still do. this stubborn feeling won't go away. i hate myself. but seems like you feel comfortable with your friends already, mhm? i'm so glad. i really am. seeing you look so happy these days make me happy. because no matter what happens, your happiness is still my priority until now. i don't know about your feeling. are you happy to talk to me again. or the opposite? ah i don't know what to say anymore, to be honest. i really don't know. but, never think that i hate you alright? because i don't. i never hate you. i can't and will never do. you will always be someone who is special to me. even though we will be seperated again for months, or maybe years, you will always stay in my heart. how far you go, you live there. i know i have said this several times but, you can reach me everywhere if you need someone to talk to. i'll be here for you and try to fix you again. don't feel guilty. don't feel bad. i'd be happy to see you come to me to rant. i actually want to ask you if i can spend a day with you for the very last time. i want to watch a movie. i want to have fun. but i don't have guts to ask you about it. i have no right as well. but, yeah. i talked with you several times before i decided to go. i won't go anywhere. i'll just stay away until you need me. it doesn't mean i don't nees you anymore. i still do. oh my god i still do. how i wish i could say it directly to you. that i would do anything to get you again. but i can't force someone's feeling. i feel grateful to had you here by my side. if you ever feel tired and feel useless, never think like that again. your life is the most wonderful part of my life. i'm sorry if i ever hurt you with my words or actions. i never mean to. really. i just hope we will be able to talk again later. it was our last conversation for now. i'll look for another chances. thank you for sparing your precious time to talk with me, yeah? it was short but i was so happy. thank you so much. thank you. you might find my rant account and be able to log into that account but, just ignore them. that's my place to run away. because i don't know where to go. i'm not ready yet to leave you again. but i need to. for your happiness. i need to. i really need to do this. i won't say good bye to you. so let's meet again later, alright? let's be friends. you're my best friend. you will always be, rafa. i hate myself oh my god why am i crying again. let me stop right here, then.

see you again, soon.
i'll be here if you looking for me. i promise.


a last song for you,
a rocket to the moon - like we used to.