Notes

My parents believe am i am a "bad" person. By looking at me, they see one of the crime scene suspects on TV. How is possible? How is possible to look forward to the future when your own flesh and blood parents despise you? They state to care about me and the future that lies ahead of me. If so, why is it that they say i am a "scary" guy. Throughout my life, there has not been a moment where i have been violent enough to damage my parents physically though mentally there were many times. However, these time came a result of them assaulting me first, treating me as scum for doing nothing. Every day is true suffering for me in my household, constant bickering and dictation about me doing everything wrong, how i am the one who is the root cause of their suffering. Not once do they look to how i feel in the same moment, internally suffering trying to live to what they would say, but there came a point where i couldn't keep up. This is when all troubles in my life almost tripled. Now, i am the bane of their suffering, blaming me for their own troubles. As a result, there come times where i just feel as though i don't belong, that if i did not come to existence my parents would live a much happier and suitable life. i felt insignificant and truly believed that death is the only option out. Some days i reach out towards it, others i wait and see how everything proceeds.