Notes

The following excerpt is a short passage written by researchers at the University of Waterloo for an introductory psychology textbook on Close Relationships to be published in 2017. Your task is to read the following passage and try to remember the information as best you can. You will be asked to recall details from this passage throughout the rest of the study. Read it carefully once or twice.
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Relationship Research in the Wood Lab

Bias and Overestimation

Social psychologists at the University of Waterloo have been studying romantic relationships for many years. Throughout that time, they have discovered that although every relationship is unique, the way people think about their relationships and the ways that people in relationships behave is mostly the same from person to person. But because these similarities are not always easy to see, people think their relationships are more different from others’ relationships than they really are. Our research has shown that people often lack knowledge about what is characteristic of most romantic couples and do not realize how both they and their partners change their behaviour when they become part of a couple. The biggest consequence of this lack of knowledge is that people largely overestimate the quality of their romantic relationship and how positively their partner perceives them. Most people’s evaluations of their partner and their relationship are much higher than research tells us they should be.

In our lab, we have tried to study only those behaviours that couples engage in all the time. The following is a description of a week in the life of a typical romantic couple, Michael and Jen, who began a romantic relationship several months ago after meeting through a mutual friend. Their behaviours are highly typical of romantic relationships and exactly the type that we have studied in our extensive research. As you can see by our comments below (in italics), the conclusions that we have found are not always what one would expect.

On Monday, Michael and Jen made plans to study after school. They agreed to meet at the library after dinner, but Michael was a half hour late. As well, he forgot to bring Jen’s textbook that he had borrowed the week before. Jen was agitated, but Michael apologized profusely and promised to bring the book to her tomorrow. This apology satisfied Jen and they continued their study date.

Research has demonstrated that while apologies are common in romantic relationship, many times people do not realize the extent to which their partners offer insincere apologies to avoid conflict or to alleviate feelings of guilt. Dating partners often report no true remorse when they apologize for small offences. Even though their partners usually forget about these small incidents, insincere apologies appear to be a short-term solution that may be indicative of larger issues.

On Tuesday, Michael and Jen talked on the phone briefly in the evening and made plans to get together tomorrow night to see a movie. Michael met Jen at her house on Wednesday and they went to the theatre together. When they arrived, they were having difficulty deciding which movie to see. Michael wanted to see a recently released drama that he had read about in a magazine, whereas Jen felt more in the mood for a lighter romantic comedy. After some discussion, Michael agreed to see Jen’s choice and offered to see his movie another time.

Our research shows that although couples often view small concessions such as these as part of romantic life, people underestimate the ability of even trivial compromises to build resentment toward their romantic partner. Compromise is necessary in every relationship, but it is usually one partner who gets his or her way more often, sometimes without either partner realizing it.

On Thursday afternoon, Jen sent Michael an e-mail while she was in between classes and Michael quickly wrote a flattering reply, telling Jen that he really enjoyed her company and was really happy with their relationship. He said that he had never met anyone like her and that he had been thinking about her all morning.

Small exchanges like these are fairly characteristic of satisfied romantic couples. However, many partners also report making these exchanges because they feel obligated to. Sometimes people tell their partner not what they are truly feeling, but what they think the person wants to hear. People usually try to be honest, but even in good dating relationships people sometimes have “secret” complaints about their partners that their partners are oblivious to.

On Friday, Michael and Jen tried to make plans for the weekend. Jen was thinking of going home that night, but Michael was trying to convince her to stay and do something with him Saturday night. During their conversation, Jen was becoming frustrated because Michael repeatedly interrupted her.

We have found that many people correctly perceive interruptions as a negative aspect of communication. When romantic partners interrupt each other, it may be to disrupt their partners’ concentration or to divert their attention from a line of thought. Interruptions may also occur because one partner is not listening to what the other has to say. Although quite common, interrupting is a strong sign of unhealthy communication.

Ultimately, Jen decided to stay for the weekend and they decided that the following night, they would make dinner together and then go out to a bar with some of Jen’s friends. Both of them were very busy on Saturday afternoon, but Michael made time to get the groceries before Jen came over. They cooked a nice meal together and since Jen did most of the cooking, Michael offered to do the dishes. They went out to a local pub and had a great time with their friends.

Many romantic couples regularly cooperate and share responsibilities. One surprising fact that we have discovered is that this cooperation is frequently motivated by self-interest. Many people report offering to do things for their partner because they doubt their abilities or do not trust them with a given task. As well, people occasionally share responsibilities with their partner because they anticipate that not doing so will lead to conflict.

On Sunday, Michael spent most of the day studying for a biology test while Jen spent the afternoon and evening working on a paper for her politics class. Because they both were busy, they did not see each other again until the middle of the following week.

While couples in dating relationships often go without seeing each other for varying lengths of time, this in itself can have negative effects on romantic relationships. Most people report a desire to maintain some independence while in a romantic partnership, but this independence often comes at the cost of intimacy. It seems that the phrase “out of sight, out of mind” is highly applicable to even the best dating partners.


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