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UPDATE: I think I've kind of accepted it. Even though I go to church every week and they convince me every time and I promise myself never to do it (literally) again, just like twelve hours later you can catch me doing it. I now understand that it is a normal part of growing up, going through puberty, etc. But it always seems like the bad things that happen after, almost every time, are punishments from God. For example, the biggest things that have happened are breaking Dad's MacBook Pro, breaking the Wii U, and breaking the tablet. The not-as-bad things that happen every time are like me getting a virus (happened just Yesterday), etc. Here's how it happens: first, right after the first drop of sperm comes out, I am immediately disgusted, usually I just lay there for a little bit until I calm down (my heart beats fast when I masturbate). Then, about fifteen to sixty minutes later, I am no longer disgusted, thinking that sexual parts do appeal to me, but that I would not want to spend my time watching another video. Then, about two to fifteen hours after my initial masturbation, I think "Wow if that person (usually crush) would fuck me, I would do it right then and there." But I wouldn't want to masturbate, I just wish that person would fuck me. Then, about two to twelve hours after that, I want to masturbate again. The longest I've gone without masturbating is, I think, about six months. You see, when I first looked at porn, I was nine. Yep. Nine. I got obsessed with it and (I can't believe no one caught me, the doors were completely unlocked and were only a push open, though they did make alot of noise) looked at it on the computer in the office. Then, one time, there was this picture of a guy's cum squirting of a vagina. I got disgusted, not knowing what the liquid was, and tried to stop. I made it about three months, and then saw pictures of bikinis in magazine, and then made it about six more months, starting the three months about two months after I turned ten. I had always wondered what made the male produce sperm, later learning from an article I looked up that it was rubbing it, especially on the top part. I tried and, sure enough, it worked. I t was the best feeling I ever felt. But afterwards, it hurt. It hurt for about six months, and then it would hurt if I kept on going after the first drop came out, but wouldn't if I didn't keep rubbing. When I was eleven, I made it about two months without doing it, then started again. About two weeks / two times after that, my friend Zeb asked me my deepest secret. He told me he'd tell me his if I did. After I told him, he was like "that's exactly what I was going to say!" Telling about how he had cried to his mom and she forgave him, and then he started again. Mom, if you're reading this, that's the main reason I was so attached to Zeb. He actually was a good friend for a while, even though he stopped he promised he'd never tell anyone. Thankfully, he never did, even once he was a jerk. Sometimes, I do it multiple times a day, going up to three. But usually, I do it every day to every third day.
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