Notes

okay so.. The reason why I haven’t been talking to you.. It's because I’ve been having doubts about whether a relationship like this is something I can handle. I’m not sure if it’s just lack of sleep or not but it's been playing on my mind a lot. I’m not the sort of person who can take being relied on well when I can’t be there for you irl. I can’t be on all the time and sometimes I want to do something else but I know that you will be disappointed with me.. And I know that I should be there for you as much as you want me to be but I can’t - it’s just not something I feel I want to do right now, even though I know I should be. At the start of our relationship I wanted to be with you all the time but right now I seem to crave being alone at times.. I don’t really know why either.

I’ve honestly not been able to reply to you with any depth because doing so makes me unhappy with my thoughts about our relationship. I think I’m just not someone who can be relied on at all honestly and I don’t feel the same way as you do towards me at the moment. It’s why I’ve been afk so much.. I did so to gather my thoughts and I still don’t know how I feel. I just feel numb to it right now, how you feel, how I feel, happiness, sadness, it’s just whatever to me right now, and I know that’s no way to see a relationship.. And I guess the tiredness it to blame in part but honestly, I think it’s made me realise that I’m not suited to a long distance relationship. I’m not a good boyfriend, maybe a good friend but I’m not relationship material at all. I guess I don’t really know why I’m telling you all this, but since you asked what was on my mind yesterday it’s only right that I tell you.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about is how freaking amazing you are and how selfish I am for feeling like this, but it is what it is I guess. You’re the boyfriend of my dreams but I don’t think I can go on like this. It’s my final year of school and I don’t think an LDR is something I can be in right now. It’s affecting my drive to work at times and thinking about flying to stay with you is wonderful but I don’t think it’s viable. I’ve looked at the costs and as much as I want to believe, even if we could, it would hold us both back.. The same goes for the idea of you flying to me. You have a wonderful family that support you right now and leaving that behind would make things a lot harder for you, in all aspects of life. I’m an absolute idiot for not paying you enough attention at times, I know that. I honestly think you’d be a lot better off with someone else but if you want to try and go on in our relationship we can. I do love you so much hun but I can’t give you the attention you need. I’m not good enough for you and the love you have for me is more of a need to feel loved, not so much a love for my personality. I believe this because I don’t think, in fact I know I’m deserving of it. You’ve been amazing to me over the past two days and what have I done for you? Nowhere near enough.. Not even close to what a boyfriend should be doing for the girl of his dreams. I’m sorry hun, but, I don’t want to keep it in any longer. I love you but these are my thoughts on our relationship.. And I really do think you are the most amazing person in the world, you have been there for me through the ups and downs and I love you so much for that. I honestly love you for who you are, and I never want you to change. You’re perfect.

I’m not exactly sure what to do now.. I guess I’ll leave you to read this? It’s a little rushed as I don’t want to leave you waiting for a response for long so if you want to ask me anything feel free to.
Ky~ :heart: