Notes

hey....
im bored now. I have things to do like hw and all that usual revision shit and all but ya know...sometimes u just dun feel like doing it at all right? yeah i guess that's how i'm feeling now. I tried youtube but ive exhausted all the videos to watch and stuffs.
It's times like these when i feel terribly lonely. im a horrible person to mix with really cuz idk how to interact properly and shit. And i always run out of things to say to ppl to keep a convo going. u could say im socially pathetic and awkward and anti social?
oh btw. did i mention before that i hate myself? yeah pathetic right? I know i should never cuz God made me and he loves me so much so i should love myself too and all that blah but i mean srsly. I really cant see beauty in things. Not all things though mostly things to do with myself. I look around me and think to myself.
"hey look at her. She's so pretty. She can pull all her hair back but still look beautiful. She looks gorgeous when she smiles. She's surrounded by hot guys and equally pretty friends. She's funny. Look at all the people laughing cuz of what she said. She's popular. Look at the number of friends she has, the number of followers, the number of likes. Look at her features, they're so perfect. She's so slim and tall. Her eyes they're so bright and shiny. She can act she can dance she can sing all so well. Look, when she does something, its never ignored. there are always people watching and praising her. She's so smart, look at the number of awards in the room. She's so fashionable, look at all her clothes. they're so trendy, so pretty, so stylish. She's so rich, look at the amount of nice stuff that she has. She's so creative. Look at her collection of nice handicrafts, sketchbooks, notebooks. She's so in, look at her forever keeping up with the latest trends. she's so talented, look at her shine. she's so attractive, look at all the guys swoon over her. she's so cute, just look at her aegyo. she's so cool. she's so caring, nice, kind, she knows what to do when someone's sad, happy, angry, disturbed. she's such a good girl, teacher's like her, friends like her, family loves her, boyfriend loves her. she's so happy, so carefree, without troubles or obstacles in her way. Her life is full of colour and adventures and fun. She's so lucky....but i'll never be like her no matter how much i dream or wish for it." reality hurts but reality is the only truth left in this cold and unfair world. reality is the only thing anchoring me down, from my dreams but also keeping me firm in this world and serving as a reminder to what is really happening or who I really am.

I'm slowly losing myself day by day. Actually, Ive already lost myself long ago. I dont know who i am anymore. I dont know what i say or do is true. Ive been coming up with too many lies to give myself false affirmation and comfort. but its not working. I still feel the same, worse actually. Well I guess its cuz there r too many lies in the world that im getting suffocated to the point of near death. I need something, just this special something to jerk me from this nightmare. But i know that it might never ever happen...