Notes

My mom gave birth to my sister when she was 19, and just like the typical old generation asian families, my mom and my dad were forced to marry each other. My dad came from a rich family so my grandparents from my dad's side weren't really fond of my mom. And I guess my mom's family didn't really like my dad cause he got my mom pregnant, etc. Because of that, we've been moving apartments our entire life, I never really had a permanent home. When I was like 7 years old, we stayed at my grandparents(dad side) house. We lived there for like 6 years? Probably more, I can't remember. It was a really big house too, we had a super huge garden and I would just ride my bike or scooter around everyday. Never really went outside aside from going to school, and maybe that's the reason why I'm awkward in public hahaha.

Anyway, when I was 13 my grandmother passed away. She was probably the person who cared for me the most cause she would always ask me(and my sister) about our allowance and she never really got mad at us. Before she died, I think her last words for me and my sister were about our allowance too. Days after her burial/funeral/all that stuff, my grandfather disappeared. He didn't come home for like 2 months. Later we found out that he was staying at his girlfriend's house(he met this chick at a strip club btw). When he came back, he asked my dad to leave the house(aka he kicked us out) cause he wanted to live with his girlfriend. So we're back moving between different apartments again. My dad and my grandfather didn't really talk to each other for like 2 years, until my grandfather decided to sell the house. The lawyer gave the agreement to split the money between my dad and my grandpa and that was when they met each other again. I guess they got along again after that day, and we would visit grandpa at his girlfriend's house from time to time. Months after, grandpa lost A LOT of weight, he couldn't really remember us anymore, etc etc. We found out that the girl wasn't really taking care of him, but was just using him for money, for his car, etc etc. So we took our grandpa to a nursing home(?) w/e you call it. We'd visit him every sunday after church, and a few months after he passed away. That was when my dad's depression started.

He didn't have the motivation to work anymore so mom and dad decided that america was going to be our future. Mom took nursing, etc etc. Both of them were always stressed out, so they would end up fighting almost everyday. Everytime we would go out to church or to eat, they would just argue and we would end up going straight home lol. It came to the point that my mom wasn't really happy anymore, and my dad would take his anger on us. On my first year of college, my mom moved to the US. She worked to send us money so we started getting pretty cheap(?) when it comes to food cause my mom was the only one working, and I actually used to weigh 94 pounds. I also remember one time my dad got mad at my sister but he took his anger out on me instead and slammed my head on the table. My lip started to bleed, and my classmates in uni all asked me what happened hahaha. We ran away from home that night actually and stayed at our grandfather(mom side)'s house.

Anyway fast forward to a year after, we finally moved to the US. A few months after we moved, my parents got divorced. I actually can't remember much during that time, all I remember is we had like a huge family "meeting" with my mom's side. They asked us if we still wanted my dad to be with us, and I remember saying that I don't consider him as my dad(pathetic huh lol). I guess it's safe to say that we abandoned him. Idk, I was too depressed to think of anything at that time so yeah. My dad accepted his fate, moved to chicago, found a job, and I haven't really heard of him much during that time. A few months after all that shit, my grandfather(mom side) who was also my role model for being the most selfless person that I knew, passed away. I was.. pretty sad. I guess we all were. My mom eventually met this guy at a hospital that my grandmother was staying when she had her surgery, he was a nurse iirc? But yeah they started dating. Eventually my mom brought the guy home, and he started living with us. Turns out the guy was a drug addict and we gave our mom "the talk". My mom defended the guy, said something like nobody's perfect and walked out on us, my sister cried and gave up, she decided to move out. She made me decide if I wanted to go with her, my decision was to stay cause I didn't want to do the same thing I did to my dad. My sister moved out, and I guess I was left alone. I remember locking myself in my room until like midnight. I would always wait for my mom and her boyfriend to go to sleep so I could go out of my room and get something to eat. I didn't have anyone to talk to that time aside from that one friend that I told you about. I guess I was too depressed that I would just bitch nonstop. She probably got tired of me and said "I don't need you anymore" and left :^). And then, I found myself piling stacks of shit on top of shit on top of shit on top of shit. I was depressed for like 2+ years?

I joined that bible study group thing I told you about before and it did help me out a lot, and it did made me feel better a bit. But when I quit, I didn't know what to do. I tried looking for things that would make myself happy. I got into youtubers like domics, wongfu, ryan higa for some inspiration. For comedy my favorites were david so, dtrix, and shimmy. I would always watch their vlogs and I think that made me improve my english(and david so is probably the reason why I say "bitch" a lot). Eventually got into slice of life animes and I'd always download the OSTs, which led me to downloading OSTs of old video games that I used to play when I was a kid for some nostalgia. I collected instrumental songs, music boxes, and all that shit. I guess music was like my medicine. Listened to different genres and I eventually got into kpo- I mean khiphop. I came across candy jelly love on youtube early 2015 and I fell in love with it cause it's like a mix of everything I listened to. It had that music box/anime ost/video game ish sound that I don't really know how to describe and I got obsessed. I looked up lovelyz and that's how I knew about what happened to Jisoo. I was like "oh tablo 2.0 etc etc I CAN RELATE" all that bullshit and fell in love with her personality hahahaha. I don't really know how to explain it but I guess Jisoo is my inspiration. Lovelyz is my happiness.

Oh a few things I forgot to mention. A few days before christmas 2014, my mom and that drug addict had a huge fight. The guy was screaming and everything and he was threatening to kill us(while he was smoking crack too). Luckily, our neighbors heard what happened and called the police. Police came, saw the bag of coke, and took the guy somewhere I don't remember. The day after my mom filed for a restraining order. A few months after the guy got locked up because he tried to threaten a train conductor with an ice pick but his parents bailed him out, that made my mom feel sorry for him and she wanted to give him a chance. They started spending time with each other again(that made my sister got so mad) until he saw the guy kissing his wife around the train station and my mom finally gave up LOL.

My dad got laid off from his job in chicago around 2013 so he tried looking for a job here in new york cause he wanted to be close to us. He couldn't find any job though because he was illegal. He was about to give up and go home, but luckily a friend of his from sacramento helped him out. He worked at a nursing home for a few months until they found out that he was illegal. The people were pretty nice to him though so he wasn't really reported, they just asked him to leave. Eventually my dad met my step mom. They got married last year, and we came to visit him(and went to the west coast) for the first time for his wedding. I actually didn't expect that I would get along with my step mom and my step sister even though I'm super shy. My dad has changed a lot(almost like a new human being). I admired how he survived despite that huge struggle. I kinda look up to him now.

We were actually legal when we moved to the US. Our visa expired but my parents didn't really do anything about it because of the divorce. That was how I realized what I did to my dad was terrible. I felt really really guilty and I even cried myself to sleep that night(while listening to https://youtu.be/3cS964_AlMY ) hahaha. But yeah, until today, I still blame myself why my parents got divorced. I promised myself not to abandon anyone again. That's probably the reason why it's so hard for me to say no or not to help the homeless people. There are so many things that I want to do like moving to San Fran, start school again, etc etc, but it's kinda hard for me because of my mom. Right now I'm just trying to maintain my 2 jobs just so I would have enough to help my mom pay for rent. My mom is actually suicidal(this just happened recently) and she's too afraid that people might leave her again. This is actually the reason why I keep saying that I can't leave her or that I put her first. She's got a better and nice boyfriend now, but somehow she doesn't have any contentment anymore. She couldn't even notice or tell the things that I try to do for her. Last month she wanted to commit suicide. I was at work that night and I couldn't even go home because nobody wanted to work on my shift. My sister called her boyfriend instead and I guess that kinda worked out. My mom scheduled for therapy but she ended up not going because she wasn't "comfortable" and that made my sister upset again. Now they're not talking to each other and I think I still need to fix that lol. SO YEAH, now you know why I can't leave anyone.