Notes

i writing to u this because i feel that i really need to to release my thought and my pains .So i just send it to u u can ignore this if u wan because u have the rights to choose and decide.If u are reading this then i am happy and just hear me out okay?i don't mean to sound annoying or anything just my thoughts and feelings that i need to share .Breaking up is a process that we can go further i still believe that we stilll have feelings for each other its not something u can forget easily.Even when yesterday dancing i give it my best to be happy cause i wan to show u i am okay smiling and still having fun but writing to u now still makes me weak minded person that actually i am not okay and she can see that for. After wat happen,she feels so frustrated cause she don't know how to help me from that moment u didn't just like me u actually show her love towards me and i was taken by suprise.i know she is the type that doesn't say it out in feelings but i can see it and u did that to me means that u actually reached out to me when i was down she wan to contact with me through skype. She needs time expressing towards me but i don't feel that she is slow at all.She was more straightforward to me and she is very strong willed but simple minded to be honest cause everything she say she always feels like she is right.She nags at me and complain cause she care and in the long run i know that will be a pain and she did said sorry about that but its her and i understood u can't easily change a person but u can learn to accept and i like her on who she is thats all cause she is pretty,she is caring although she doesn't show much,she has so may flaws and cute also when she is shy. I know Everything doesn't seem to go well for her thats why i always wanted to put my best to make everything okay for her like the kpop one academy dance performance we all have conflict and i did my very best to try to bring back the team and also supported in watever decision she wans to make.And recently someone ask her to join the kstorm but in the end still she can't get that opportunity.i understand from all that i always trying to ask her out and have a good time with her,be there for her,stand beside her,support her decision and make her feel like she still have hope and chances cause she have me that she can rely on not like every opportunites will not go well for her.For the past few days i tried to forget her i tried and tried and tried to treat her like are a friend to me now i tried to detached and re framed from connecting with her again but i just can't.Every morning i woke up and thought about her wanting to wish her good morning wanting to ask her did she sleep well and that obsession is wat drowining me further now we are apart. Not to bring up the past again i am still looking forward to improve and understand my pros and cons. i should have said no the moment she said she wan to break up because at that moment i am just lost for words and knew i deserve that pain because if i was in her shoes i know the pain that she can"t see any future with me if we kept going just that and its even more painful that she took the initiative to break up that is hardest thing for anyone to do and i understand that feeling well.She like me quite a lot and i can feel that and took u quite some time to come to that decision i could be wrong and wat i seen is its not that we have not much compatibility we do have a lot of interest in common and we do well things together even we are thinking quite alike.I am sorry but i can't just give up on someone that as important to me .Love for her is also i have to learn to let her go as long she is happy that wat i believe but i really don't want that.U can't love someone unless u love urself first i thought that wan was total bullshiit because if i haven't love myself i wouldn't come until this far in life.I understood that appearance its makes a first impression but wat counts its the heart that never sweys and still give it to somebody they really care about no matter how worst the situation may become.Things in life have its ups and downs but love for each other they never let each other go no matter how tough or the shiittiest situation they may be in.Love they said it suppose to be 50-50 from both sides.All i wanted was that she just stay by my side,that if there is something that stops us i still kept trying and u won;t fly away or break away either.I do accept reality and i man up by reflecting on my mistakes i am immature where i didn't voice out my knowledge and thoughts,i became boring to her cause i am like a kid,i didn't give her enough space let her come to me,i am too nice that wat makes me a very weak guy and not a man,i always constantly saying sorry and made her too important she is my girlfriend not my boss,i messed up in the conflict and she lost the respect in me,i don't need to ask her approval or decision i can just come to her as i please cause she was mine and i was hers,i shared too much about myself and my feelings and nothing she thought was cool about me.this are the things i listed out that from wat i saw that i need to improve.I admit that i am the kind of guy that she doesn't like anymore due this or maybe i still don't know wat she didn't like about me an i wanted to know cause i still love her dangerously.i was willing to give her everything i had until i had nothing left.being a boyfriend is more than just sending your girl"i love u and i miss u"texts,giving her flowers although she is not the romantic type haha,and gifts on your important dates.Its something deeper than that.Being a boyfriend is also being an emotional partner.It/s being there for your girl every time she needs a helping hand,being there to listen to all of her stories,being there to guide her on what is right and what is wrong.Her problem is my problem,her tears were my tears,and her happinesss is my happinesss.I think that is the meaning of being a boyfriend.I also understand that priorities is also a must but i always put her as my highest priorities because in relationship i have to take responsibility and it won;t hurt or suffer as long i feel it is worth it and she is that very person i felt.after knowing her i wasn't scared of commitment and was willing to do everything with her eventhough i am still nervous around her.