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mereblackwords (mereblackwords) wrote,
2012-11-18 19:02:00
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Another [One Shot]
Title: Another
Genre: Au, Angst
Pairing/Members: Sehun, Kai
Rating: Nc - 17
Length: ~7k
Prompt: ii. accismus - n. feigning disinterest in something while actually desiring it

Summary: Kai knows that beyond the winter in his eyes, Sehun is just as human as him. Sehun’s chest bears a heart, too. He is made of flesh and bones, is capable of thought and movement, of emotion, because feel is a human thing to do. Jongin knows it’s there somewhere, so he digs deeper. Lucid and steady, Sehun, however, is the quiet beauty of cut flowers’ blight.




A/N: This fic was written for challenge 6 of aideshou!^^ I still don’t like what I’ve done here. Don’t ask me why but I somehow hate on my own fic. lmao Also excuse the grammar fucks and whatsoever. I haven't been able to read through it yet.

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Cycle 4, 35

He’s gonna disappear today. I can feel it.








Late winter’s icy fingers sneak through thick fabrics and up his limbs, lazy flocks of snow waltz through the air in a stead downwards motion from a sky heavy with clouds. There’s the soft noise of snow crunching beneath heavy boots, the shuffling of feet upon a ground covered in white as he exhales visible puffs of carbon dioxide to marry into the chilly air. Hands stuffed into his coat’s pockets, he waits but the anticipated thing doesn’t happen. Train after train roll to a screeching stop at the station but the sought person doesn’t exit.

For the nth time in a row, the young man flashes a glance to the clock embed into the great building of the station, all covered by a blinding shade of white. He squints against the sun in order to make out anything at all in a world laced in a colorlessness that makes the known feel alien.


It’s way past the time they’ve settled on meeting. If not for the absurdity of Oh Sehun being late, then maybe the lover would be less nervous. Though, the fact that the other is still not in sight has a terrible presentiment creep into his thoughts and lets his body shiver not only from the cold.


It’s the kind of feeling that starts with harmless musings which slowly concoct to a sentiment of horror to invade, lace the receiver’s skin in goose bumps and have his hackles rise. Hence once that seed is planted within it grows to the dark certainty of an apprehension.


So when Sehun finally steps out into the white desert that camouflages the city, his lover already senses there’s something set to happen. Shaking the maelstrom of bad presentiments and dulling thoughts off, he bridges the distance with haste in his stride.


However, Sehun doesn’t seem to notice the other’s approach so the lover makes a fun out of quietly sneaking up behind him. He taps him on the shoulder but still, Sehun doesn’t turn, much to the other’s confusion.


“Sehun-ah, it’s me!”


Still, Sehun doesn’t even grace him with a glance.


“Good morning.” The lover chirps in another hopeless attempt to catch Sehun’s attention.


Nothing happens, no visible reaction is shown on the blank mask of apathy Sehun is wearing today. The dull look in his eyes reminds him terribly of how Sehun had been before they had started going out. The ice that has laced Sehun’s soul in solid nonchalance, the monotonous whisper of a continuum, they’re back. Frost invades Sehun’s soul, traps him in his very own quiet, yet cruel winter.








Cycle 4, 36

Dead End.









The lover doesn’t understand why, for Sehun sighs and starts walking, much like a puppet on strings, devoid of emotion but with a destination that leads him away.


“Sehun!”


People are staring but Sehun is deaf and blind to the other man as he continues to diverge. If not for the tracks left in the snow, one couldn’t even guess he’d actually been there, Sehun melts so perfectly with the frozen exterior.

Though, the snowball that suddenly hits him hard against the back of his head has Sehun stop and turn.

Their eyes meet but Sehun’s stare is unflinching. – No emotional reaction.


“You’re a fucking lunatic!”


It’s desperation purified into words that splutter from the lover’s lips but Sehun doesn’t really look at him. The lover lets his gaze drop down to his hands, wonders what’s gone wrong and if he’d just destroyed what might have been mended.


The other, however, doesn’t even bat an eyelash, just stares straight ahead right through his lover, as if the other just had dissolved completely from Sehun’s perception.


Then Sehun turns, a walking shell, as he proceeds to remove himself with the silent grace of one who’s indulging in his very own tune, colors the world in a shade of a paler white. It’s a new reality only for him to be heard and seen.

Truly, it’s comic in a bizarrely twisted fashion. Without knowing even, Sehun is trapped within himself but the lover doesn’t see beyond the mask of ice the other hides his true self behind.

Whilst the lover already strives to forget what he can’t make sense of, Sehun, on the contrary, treasures the memories.


Obdurate, deaf and blind, the cut flower has committed himself to a world without.














Cycle 5, 0

Father has died. I have to take over the company. It’s despicable work. I hate it. But it’s good he’s gone. I’m tired.













Sweet is the fragrance brought with the breeze as it feathers across the defined curve of Sehun’s jaw, a soft caress on fare skin. He’d say it’s an enjoyable feeling after a day spent in the stifling glass complex of the lawyer’s company.

Thin steel bars thread through dark glass, a construction much like an incubus spider stretching out its long legs in a display of possession. Sehun feels much like he’s become part of its limbs, having spent so much time in that horrible misconstruction of a building that he, now, called his own.

Heart attack, the cliché of the overworked businessman his father had been. Sehun would probably die of the very same cause too. It’s a quiet but tragic death, short and merciless and just as unexpected. A good way to die, Sehun muses as he leans just a bit further out of the window, staring down at the bustling carpet of raven heads on the streets bellow.

The masses gushing from subway stations in steady flows have something strangely hypnotic about them, a coming and going, much like tides mirroring in the steady stream of traffic, supposedly chaotic in ultimate proximity yet all too well-organized in microcosm. Watching the traffic has become a tool to relaxation for Sehun, or just another way to waste his time. Really, there isn&rsquo t anything of importance that they make him do all day long.


When the havoc beneath ceases, Sehun eases from the window sill and takes his leave, flashing an absent look at his watch. It’s about 3:15 pm when he steps onto the pavement and mingles with the pulse of the city to let himself be carried through the veins of streets.

It will be another, next meeting of major importance that can’t be missed nor postponed. He’s been slacking off too much ever since the tight grip of his father had finally vanished. Or so his father’s and now his consultants say. Though they don’t need his competence, they just need his face.






The sky that fills his vision stretches out endlessly, beyond the borders of the last buildings even, revealing a peak of what lies beneath the desert of brick, steel, concrete and civilization. Once more, Jongin wishes the windows to vanish beneath his digits, let him slip through so he can walk the air like Jesus walked the water. His eyes flutter closed as he allows himself to indulge in such fantasy.

It must be quiet up there, so high above that no noise can reach and he&rsquo d finally find piece in simply watching. He’s sick of being part of it all, although he can’t come up with a definition for that so called “all”.

Usually, at a time like this, he’d find a bit of salvation in dancing but there’s no place known to him in which he’d be left alone. People are everywhere so there’s no way of him being able to enjoy such simple pleasures without being watched or photographed or asked for a signature.

He wouldn’t mind, for he’s used to the price popularity’s demons expect in turn. Dancing, however, is a very private thing. Nothing that anyone may watch, then when Jongin dances, he lets his soul flow through every movement. It’s too personal - maybe even the only personal thing left - to be shared.

Even now, in the supposedly safe zone of his apartment, he seems to hear the cheers of his stalkers outside.


The young actor isn’t allowed to dwell for too long as his phone wakes him from his reverie with the ever so pestering noise of vibration cast across the flat surface of his table.

With a sound of exasperation, Jongin pulls away from the sight of the city which the great windows in his flat offer and reaches the phone just a matter of seconds too late. The caller has already rang off but the very next instant the screen lights up with a new notification.

A message from his manager appears. He has a meeting with some lawyer in an hour.










The first time they meet, Sehun already knows it. He can tell by the way the other’s mouth parts, how he stretches his index across lush lips when he lets slightly narrowed eyes roam Sehun’s figure.

It’s merely a matter of seconds and Sehun’s skin is laced in tingles at the intense stare he receives from those lidded eyes, dark orbs and slightly dilated pupils.


Kim Jongin is the man’s name, Kai a pseudonym under which he works. He’s a new client, an actor with a simple case of breach of contract.


Sehun concludes the meeting with a dispassionate “The case should be solved to your favor soon. Thank you for your trust.” With an air of finality he puts the documents back into his briefcase and gets up.

Kim Jongin is still staring but gets up as well, his movements bearing the subtle elegance of a dancer, Sehun doesn’t miss.


“Pleasure,” he mumbles and reaches a hand out in greeting or maybe to seal the pact and when Sehun unites their palms, fare against tanned, cold against warm, it feels like he’s committed himself to destiny.















Cycle 5, 1
His name is Kim Jongin. He’s an actor and he’s about my age. He’s handsome but a total lunatic. I have to be careful around him. I’m too tired for this game. I’m too tired of being forced to wake up after a dream ends, so the only solution is not to dream at all, right?
















Jongin lets the lawyer’s hand go with a taking smile and Sehun stiffly nods affirmation.


They’re alone in the room and Jongin takes advantage of the situation without a moment’s hesitation as he invites Sehun for tea or coffee “now that business is settled”. Sehun rejects politely with as few words as grammatically possible and Jongin frowns.

The lawyer all but flees from the room, stride too hasty, the line his lips form too thin to be relaxed, his eyes too soft, too wide to be angered.


The rejection had been too brusque to be natural.


Jongin’s lips curve to a smirk as he watches him go. Finally, he’d found something for diversion.















Cycle 5, 2

I don’t want to do this ever again. I’m not going to give in. Not to him or anyone. Even if…















It’s when Jongin calls the company and demands for Sehun’s mobile number that the latter starts feeling uneasy although he has halfway expected it. Sehun tells him that there’s no reason to it but Jongin keeps on bugging him and eventually resorts to bullying his secretary until he gets what he wants.

The actor calls it “using one’s charms” while Sehun threatens to sue him for attempt at blackmail.


Soon after, Jongin would request private meetings with Sehun and the latter is eventually forced to participate, since “Kai is a very well-known figure throughout the whole country and not be upset”.

Not that Sehun bothers the actor’s company much as long as they’re doing business but the lawyer knows all too well that this meeting is not purely relating to the case.


Nevertheless, the young male finds himself at the very same location of their first meeting again about a week later.













Cycle 5, 4

He’s gonna be my doom. I don’t know if I can resist. Though I haven’t fallen for him. Not at all. I won’t allow that to ever happen again. I’ve had enough of dreaming.












He’s gonna have him. Jongin knows as much when they meet again and within the coming hour his new victim would be keenly aware of that fact as well – he’d make sure of it.

There has always been that certain excitement about challenges that grips the actor and it is no different with Sehun. The quiet man is beautiful but what has caught the actor’s attention first is the sheen of ice that solidifies the other’s soul.


Even his skin has been cold to the touch - a frost that couldn’t be blamed on the mild temperatures outside - as they shook hands in greeting. Sehun’s winter was radiating from the inside, fascinating.


“I didn’t call you for business today, Sehun-shi.”


The statement is blunt at best, searing at worst with Jongin’s gaze that all but burns into Sehun’s when the latter eventually raises his chin. He merely nods, meets the actor’s gaze with his own, steady one, entirely unflinching as it seems.


But Jongin knows better, the other is an actor, too. Though, unlike Jongin, Sehun is a natural.


The silence stretches for a bit longer, Jongin giving the lawyer the chance of uttering refusal or disdain but nothing alike happens.

Bemusedly, Jongin gets up from his seat and crosses the distance with a few large steps. A soft smile plays on his lips as he lets his hands come to rest on the other chair’s armrests.


“So, Mister Oh, are we in for it?”


Like the actor he is, Jongin lets his lips curve to a wicked smirk, eyes gleaming with quiet expectation as he leans in and lets his breath tingle against the lawyer’s lips from the close proximity.

He’s about to take the quiet he’s being met with for an invitation to ravish that mouth when suddenly the other’s chin dips down. With a cocked eyebrow Jongin watches how Sehun’s gaze travels to roam his body with the ever so emotionless expression but still he doesn’t say a thing.


“What’s wrong?”


Now the other shakes his head and gets up and Jongin retreats a step back.

He can practically feel the blizzard of Sehun’s stare all over him. There’s a feeling of discomfort forming in the pit of the actor’s stomach at the way Sehun looks at him, estimating his body to its approximate value. His skin crawls at the mundane objectiveness with which he is being regarded.


“What’s your suggestion?”


The words are as dry as ice and Jongin is caught off guard, still entrapped by the way he is manhandled like some kind of good by the very man he has hired.


“Well we can either go for that coffee or tea as previously proposed or we can skip the whole getting-to-know-each-other and I’ll take you to my place instead.”


The second time, Jongin’s proposal is seasoned with a good amount of sarcasm and wishful thinking but when the actor catches a glimpse on Sehun’s fine features he can see him contemplating. Maybe he’s imagining it but Jongin thinks he sees a hint of pink tinge the lawyer’s cheeks. With that, it’s settled.













Cycle 5, 6

It’s gonna be fine. Number 4 has been the last one. I’ve locked myself up. No one is ever going to get in again. I can do it. It can be just sex. He probably doesn’t want anything more either.













Sehun is the no-strings-attached type of person, Jongin assumes as he unlocks the door to his apartment, the lawyer in the wake of his steps

Even before the owner, Sehun takes off his shoes and coat and brushes past, taking in the sight of the actor’s loft with factual admiration.

He looks like a statue, his figure bathed in the lazy spring sunlight flowing through big windows. Evanescent almost, as if he’d vanish into thin air the very next moment. His long shadow stretching out all the way across the floor creating a stark contrast, an antagonism to its owner as they are juxtaposed.

The door falls shut with a soft click. Carefully, as not to break the fragile moment, Jongin shrugs his coat and doubts off at once and the next moment he stands behind Sehun like the incarnate of his shadow, snaking his arms around the other’s figure.

Nimble fingers quickly delve past the layer of fabrics to stretch across smooth skin while his warm mouth maps the nape of the victim’s neck. He’s tender in his moves, almost as if Jongin is scared of breaking him with too harsh of an advance yet.

A sigh eases from Sehun’s lips. A sound of pleasure like poison to drive right through Jongin’s skin. He’s alive, flesh and bone in Jongin’s arms, who feels the life pulsate through Sehun’s veins against his lips.

It’s reassuring, because there really isn’t much about Sehun that doesn’t seem frozen but Jongin wants more.


As desire grows, Jongin wants to conflagrate him, burn the delicate frame with lust and have those emotionless features twist in ecstasy. So he plays havoc on Sehun’s senses with teasing fingertips, seeking mouth and bruising teeth.

Clothes are shed in irregular intervals of impatient tearing and tugging until there’s finally skin flush on skin. They are a mess of quick-fingered hell, soundless keens and trembling limbs sprawled across the sheets. Sehun responds, burns up and moves along.

The elder feels like he’s being scorched from the inside out when Jongin’s digits leave red imprints in their wake all across his hips paired with a lethally skilled tongue and ruthless teeth, soothing lips and the feeling of being filled to the brim by that man.

The man who weaves the sounds evoked from his body to a sweet, sinful symphony until they combusts in a crescendo of a hazed, snow white frenzy.












Cycle 5, 8

It won’t be a one-time thing. It feels too good to stop now. Way too good. He’ll be my doom.













He’s still in Jongin’s arms, slightly flustered from the aftermath of his orgasm when Sehun slowly comes to his senses again.

Jongin smiles at him, lopsided but gentle. He’s caught in his own frenzied afterglow but Sehun is already cold in his arms again and the actor’s smile soon fades and twists to a frown.


There it is again, the apathy, the torpid veil like gentle snow fall beyond empty eyes. Jongin lets go, confused maybe even irritated, and turns around to escape the sight and the sudden frost lacing the other’s body. He feels colder than ever, skin as white as porcelain stretching ever so slightly with every inhale and exhale as Sehun’s consciousness slips into sleep.

If not for the steady movement, the man next to Jongin could have been mistaken for dead. Albeit sleeping, Sehun’s features are the same mask of ice again.


Now Jongin pushes himself up to a sitting position. This is not how it’s supposed to be.

Sehun’s cold is catching and Jongin finds himself shivering as he looks at the other’s sleeping figure, all soft slopes, tender ups and downs, mussed hair and gently flushed skin.


Why evades his reason but it’s disturbing to look at and Jongin gets up. He walks to the bathroom to splash his face with cold water, lets the sound of flowing water sooth him.

Watching his fingers travel though the mirror, he traces the fresh, falciform imprints on his shoulder with a strange thoughtfulness. He got what he has wanted; the lawyer’s body sprawled across stained sheets. Though satisfaction or accomplishment, doesn’t reach him as it should have.











Cycle 5, 14

I’m succeeding. I’ve become immune.











Jongin decides that he won’t give up just yet when he stands leaning against the doorframe of his bedroom and watches Sehun getting dressed with a cup of steaming coffee at his lips. Disturbing, it is, how Sehun is lacking passion as much as he’s excessing contours.


He steps out of the way when Sehun brushes past to leave. Their gazes don’t meet. Wordless, Sehun goes to come back again a few days later.


There has to be a way to revive him because looking closely Sehun doesn’t seem to be more than a shell after all.












Cycle 5, 18

I’m doing fine. This time it will work. I won’t love no more.











Actually, Sehun is more of a puppet the way he passively obeys and executes whatever tasks he’s assigned to. His so called consultants order him around all day long, make him sit wordlessly in meetings so his looks will do the work or have him sign documents, for his last name owns the company.

None of them respect him although he’s supposed to be their superior. Like a puppet on strings, he does what is expected of him.


Jongin is still pondering over why when his target finally exits the big steal colossus of a building with the ever so determined gate of the businessman he pretends to be.

Admittedly, Sehun does a good job in doing so. No one but the actor would probably see through the farce but Jongin does and that’s fairly enough.


Quickly, the young male slips out of the café across the street and follows after. At the next crossroad he’s caught up with him and without a word, hooks his arm with Sehun’s to pull the later into an alley different from the route Sehun has planned on taking.

For the tiniest of moments, there’s Sehun’s eyes widening in surprise, lips parting in an utterance that eventually doesn’t find the way past his lips. Jongin smirks and pulls him a bit closer just to spite him.

It works until Sehun finds his composure among the shreds of ice and within only seconds he’s back to normal. He stops, tears free from Jongin’s grip and the latter comes to a halt as well, a grin stretching across his lips.


“What is this about?”


Sehun’s tone is a bit too sharp to be entirely matter of fact and Jongin’s lips curve just a bit higher.


“It’s labeled as kidnapping but you might as well call it me saving you.”


“I have business to attend.”


He’s already turning to leave when Jongin shakes his head and grabs him by his sleeve. That’s not how he’s had this whole meeting planned out in his mind. A quick series of steps follows and Sehun suddenly finds himself in the other man’s arms.


“I knew that Judo lesson would be good for something. You’re a bit heavy though.”


Jongin mumbles to himself as he starts walking again, Sehun thrown over his shoulder. He had wanted him to struggle but Sehun gives in with a sigh, lets himself be carried until Jongin gets tired of the game, too, and lets him down.


“Where do you live?”


The question gets ignored as Sehun busies himself with readjusting his askew suit and so Jongin drags him along to his own apartment with a sigh that mirrors Sehun’s quite perfectly.














Cycle 5, 21

He’s like none of the others before. Maybe he can break the spell…













Once again Jongin tries to set Sehun on fire and it works for the short span of time their bodies melt into each other.

The younger immolates with his fire. Each time he tries to form a new Sehun out of the ashes but it doesn’t work out. Sehun, like the permafrost build around his heart, is immune to his attempts while Jongin grows impatient trying.


Sex still seems the only way to reach what lies beyond iced up orbs but it is what it is; just flesh on flesh, sparked lust and urge. It’s as human as it is animalistic. It’s the wrong way. One can’t create live through flames, a voice in the back of Jongin’s right mind whispers.


Jongin knows but continues nevertheless. Maybe if he just tries hard enough…















Cycle 5, 23

It’s still only sex. Maybe we can stay like this. It’s for the best. I can’t give in.














It’s when every delve is discovered, every blind spot reached and every erogenous zone teased to the point of passing the threshold to delirium that Jongin eventually realizes it’s no use.

Sehun is nothing but a trembling mess beneath him, sweat-laced elevations of his body gleaming softly in the dim moonlight that filters through the curtains. They’re not finished yet when Jongin gives up.

The lawyer’s chest is heaving, eyes clenched shut and forehead marred by a frown as he anticipates the next assault on his senses. Jongin, however, reaches out, the slightest of movements having the one beneath whimper, nervous system caressed too high sensibility by Jongin’s ministrations.

Gently, he smooths his thumb over Sehun’s furrowed eyebrows as a deep sorrow has his own forehead crease. It’s been weeks now, the seasons have changed already and nothing has been accomplished.


Sehun is still the same, frozen corpse, not to be moved or mended. The man is broken, as much is sure.


After months spent with trying, Jongin gives up on Sehun.















Cycle 5, 25

I take it back. It’s going downwards. I can’t handle it. I can’t handle it at all.











“Have you ever been in love?”


The question comes unexpected, sly between rustling leaves and the dance of light and shadow beneath. It’s just another summer day spent outside, under the sheltering shadows of a tree in the park nearby. Shoulder to shoulder, they sit next to each other and watch the carpet of leaves above twist and shift in the soft breeze.

Jongin has forced Sehun into cooperation again. In a way he isn’t much better than those consultants of Sehun’s the way he pushes the elder around against his will. It can’t be helped, however, for Jongin has found new determination. He wants to show Sehun what living is really about, see Sehun smile just once. If fire doesn’t work then maybe the warmth of a simple gesture does.


Sehun stays quiet for another few moments but eventually the soft timbre of his voice floats through the air and caresses Jongin’s eardrum. He’s not talking enough in general so in summer Jongin tries to elicit answers out of the other.


“Yes, I’ve been in love before.”


The answer shouldn’t be as surprising – who hasn’t been in love once in their lives? – but there is something awfully wrong with the picture that assumes shape in Jongin’s mind. Loving doesn’t fit to the Sehun he knows.


“Really?”


Jongin cranes his head towards the other, tries to read the apathetic look in Sehun’s eyes and sees a flicker of grief dance across those indifferent orbs. It’s just a moment where Sehun paints a picture of melancholy. Wind feathers through his hair, captures the fabric of his shirt as he sends an unreleased sigh flying skywards.

And for those few seconds, Jongin can see the little boy trapped behind the cages scream.














Cycle 5, 27

I have to cut the ties. Now. Or it will happen again.












Heartbreak must have been the trigger to let Sehun freeze. Though, when Jongin tries to dig deeper Sehun shuts him out and the other goes back to a state of agitated despair.


“Honestly, are you happy, Sehun?”


The receiver of the question simply cocks an eyebrow at Jongin’s posture, all crossed arms, furrowed eyebrows and a spark of forlornness glistening underneath lowered lashes. When he doesn’t feel Jongin’s gaze on him, Sehun shrugs but there’s a contemplating look capturing his features.

Even though Jongin is not looking at his vis-à-vis directly, he doesn’t miss how Sehun’s fingers twitch momentarily before the crystalline has them benumb again.


For the very first time, then, Sehun makes a mistake and formulates a question of his own.


“Are you? Happy, I mean.”


Jongin doesn’t look up. When he speaks his voice is the calm, clean-cut jab that slices the thin line Sehun has drawn between them into shreds.


“I’m happy you finally talk to me.”


The smile that blossoms on Sehun’s lips spreads like frost work. The elder has made a mistake that can’t be rewound. None of them has missed the silent message behind words that are witness to a lot more.

With Sehun having voiced interest, he’s shown Jongin just what the other need to see; a fragment of the true person behind the mask. At least, it’s too late to turn back. Bitterness traces Sehun’s softly curved mouth and Jongin can see him swallow the tears down.

There he is again, the boy buried beneath shards, and Jongin pulls him into a warm embrace.


“Don’t hide from me.”












Cycle 5, 28

It’s too late. I’m drowning. Not even he can save me.













Sehun’s expression shows the usual, unreadable blankness before he eventually lays his own set of fingers in Jongin’s outstretched ones. The grin spreads like fire on Jongin’s lips, having his teeth show and the younger pulls him closer.


“I suppose you’ve never danced before?”


“Of course I have.”


The answer is a mumble of quiet outrage but Jongin doesn’t mind, too lost in the close proximity as he starts swaying softly.

Jongin’s eyes never leave the other just as the smile that doesn’t seem to cease.



“What?”


Jongin can all but feel the other’s discomfort and the wolfish grin softens at its edges as Sehun buries his nose in his scarf, words mumbled against fabric. He doesn’t meet Jongin’s piercing gaze as they waltz across a floor of golden leaves, tender sunrays dancing across their cheeks.


“You look happy.”


Still, Sehun doesn’t look up but Jongin is witness to how his frost-laced eyes grow incredibly soft. He doesn’t respond verbally so Jongin untwines their fingers and pulls the thick scarf down just a bit to reveal the small smile beneath.


“You’re smiling!”


He is and it’s so unexpectedly beautiful it tears a hole into Jongin’s heart.












Cycle 5, 29

I’m dreaming. I don’t want to wake up again.














There’s something different about how Jongin treats Sehun when the blizzard that radiates from the other suddenly doesn’t seem that cold anymore. All but warm, Sehun suddenly feels when the first flocks of snow perform their lazy dance in the cooling air around them.

It’s winter but Jongin can see the first signs of spring waking in Sehun’s eyes.


The latter is smiling more often now and the first time Jongin makes him laugh under the sheet he has covered them with it’s like a little wonder.


“I want you to let go when you’re with me. Be yourself, okay?”


And Sehun does, allows himself to dream for just a little bit longer until he falls again.


Under those covers it’s warm, comfy. It’s like he strips off of everything that is supposed to define him. In Jongin’s arms he’s going through a metamorphosis, is reborn as someone entirely else.













Cycle 5, 31

I’m being reborn. Maybe he’s my salvation.











The words never leave their lips but when Jongin pushes Sehun against the giant wall of windows in his apartment, twines their fingers and kisses him with a fire that etches into Sehun’s frozen heart it’s crystal clear.

It’s a cold winter’s day when Jongin loves him with a silent devotion that washes away Sehun’s common sense in a river of tears.


Jongin collects them all with his thumb, tells him that it’s fine when his lips dote the contours of his clavicle, fingers unravel the knots of his soul and Jongin fills him to the very brim, completes the beautiful framework to perfection.



“Don’t leave me,” he whispers against Jongin’s earlobe with burst, moist lips and the desperation of a certainty that leaves a gapping wound.


“Please, don’t leave me.”















Cycle 5, 32

It’s gonna end. He’s not going to stay. I can feel it. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose anyone anymore. It’s been enough. I’m scared. I’m terribly scared. I kept it a secret, like last time. I don’t know how father found out. I don’t know how he can make Jongin disappear. He’s dead. Jongin can’t disappear. Please….















“What’s this?”


Jongin is still there, sitting at the edge of the bed when Sehun wakes up, kissed by the first rays of sunlight stretching out across the sheets. The actor is holding a small notebook in his hands. A frown mars his forehead as he skims through its contents.





Cycle 2, 11

I think I love him too.


Cycle 3, 3

I’m gonna hide it from father. He’s not gonna know about it!


Cycle 4, 18

It’s happening again. But I know father can’t know. I’ve taken care well of it this time.


Cycle 5, 25

I take it back. It’s going downwards. I can’t handle it. I can’t handle it at all.



“Is this yours?”


Sehun stares at him for a long moment, then nods, his voice is terribly quiet when he parts his lips to form an answer.


“You’re number 5.”


But Jongin doesn’t see it, doesn’t hear the desperation in his lover’s voice as the actor continues to read and laughs an unbelieving: “What? Number 5 already? What’s that supposed to mean!”












Cycle 5, 33

He’s not gone yet.








They sit on the couch, fingers twined and bodies feeding of each other’s warmth when Jongin asks about his past lovers.

Sehun is reluctant to answer but somehow Jongin has a right to know.



“I was six when I got caught kissing the neighboring boy of my age by my father’s secretary who had been invited over for dinner. I wasn’t really thinking a lot that time, really. We both didn’t even know what we were doing. My father gave me a good beating. Being gay didn’t quite fit his standards, I guess, “


Sehun’s smile is soft, crooked at the edges,” That wasn’t all, though. The next day when I wanted to play with my friend again, the whole family was gone. Their house was advertised for sale.”


There’s a moment of silence where Sehun purses his lips. Jongin holds him tighter and frowns softly.

“What? Gone? Why?”



“I don’t know. It’s been like that ever since. In middle school was this other boy. I didn’t want to at first but, you know, somehow it just happened. My father must have found out, because the very next day he was gone too. And so it was with the next one again and again and again and there’s nothing I can do about it. They just all disappear one by one right in front of my eyes.“



The laugh that rips from Sehun’s vocal chords is dry and choked. Jongin rubs his arm and smiles at him with his ever present confidence.


“He’s dead now. It won’t happen again. Trust me, I won’t ever leave you and there’s nothing anyone could do to make me. I’m here. I’ll always be right here until you tell me to leave.”


Sehun takes a deep breath, meets Jongin’s gaze and nods because Jongin speaks the truth.











Cycle 5, 35

Tomorrow’s the day. I know he said he wouldn’t leave. So what is this feeling inside of me?











Late winter’s icy fingers sneak up the sleeves of Jongin’s wide-cut coat. He tries to warm his trembling muscles with little hops whilst watching lazy flocks of snow waltz through the air in a stead downwards motion from a sky heavy with clouds. The snow crunches beneath his heavy boots as he exhales visible puffs of carbon dioxide that marry into the chilly air. It’s become winter overnight.

Hands stuffed into his coat’s pockets, he waits but the anticipated thing doesn’t happen. The sliding doors of the great steel building across the street remain shut and silent.


It’s unnerving, being left waiting outside in the cold but there’s no other choice and Jongin knows he’d forgive him as soon as that one man would appear in the entryway of the giant building.

As quickly as possible he withdraws the left hand from its warm confines and flashes a look at his watch, exposing the digits no longer than necessary to the frost before thrusting them back into the warm mantle of fabric.


It’s way past the time they have settled on meeting. . If not for the absurdity of Oh Sehun being late, then maybe Jongin would have just let it slide with the one or other snarky comment later. So Jongin starts making up excuses for the other.

The fact that Sehun is still not in sight, however, has a terrible presentiment creep into Jongin’s thoughts.


It’s the kind of feeling that starts with harmless musings which then slowly concoct to a sentiment of horror to invade ones whole body, lace the receivers skin in goose and let his hackles rise. Hence once the seed is planted within it will grow unstoppably to the dark certainty of an apprehension.


So when Sehun finally steps out into the white desert that is the city, Jongin already senses there’s something set to happen.


Shaking the maelstrom of bad presentiments and dulling thoughts off, the actor crosses the street with long, quick strides and a wide smile on stiff, frozen lips.

Sehun doesn’t seem to notice him approach so Jongin makes a fun out of quietly following the other, hoping that he might hear him and turn. But Sehun seems to be too consumed by his own dwellings and Jongin is forced to ruin the surprise by tapping his lover’s shoulder.


Nimble-footed, he matches their rhythm so that they walk besides each other.


Still, Sehun doesn’t even grace him with a glance and despite the gnawing fear in his gut, Jongin is still grinning stupidly. Though, the lightness flees from his features as he tenses visibly.


“Good morning.” He chirps in another hopeless attempt to catch the other’s attention.


Nothing happens. No visible reaction is shown on the blank mask of apathy Sehun is wearing today.
The dull look in his eyes reminds Jongin all too much of how the elder has been before they have started going out and Jongin is thrown back to the start again against his will.


The ice that has cast Sehun’s soul in solid nonchalance, the monotonous whisper of a continuum and the tight knot of despair in Jongin’s stomach, it’s all back.

A quiet curse is being swallowed together with his fear and Jongin tries again.


“Are you ignoring me?”


He is stating the obvious, for Sehun is still walking, much like a puppet on strings, devoid of emotion.


“Sehun, that’s not funny.”


Jongin halts and Sehun continues to walk as if the other isn’t even existing.


Shaking his head in utter disbelieve, Jongin reaches out, fingers grabbing for the other’s shoulder but the material of the coat is too slippery between his fingers and Sehun continues to move away from him.


A tinge of panic mingles with the smooth timbre of his voice, coloring his lover’s name in an utterance of pitch black horror.

“Sehun!”


Now the curse spills from the lover’s lips and he jogs after, quickly catching up with his target before he rounds him. Like a human barricade, Jongin takes position in front of him, arms stretched out, fear flickering vividly in wild eyes.


“Damn it, Sehun! Tell me what’s wrong!”


They’re causing a scene.

Sehun stops and Jongin relaxes, releases a deep breath he hadn’t been aware of having held as he lets his arms slump down to his sides again. He takes off his beanie to feather shaky fingers through damp hair as he considers his next step carefully.

One wrong word, one wrong move and it would be over.


“Sehun, please,” then he looks up, attempts to catch a glimpse of emotion or just some reaction in general but the other’s face is devoid of anything, soulless eyes gazing at something behind him and Jongin, distracted, makes the mistake to look over his shoulder.

Before the younger notices, Sehun has started moving again, brushes past him.

He doesn’t even bat an eyelash, just stares straight ahead, eyes trained on some unknown destination.

The look in his eyes has liquid terror cascade down Jongin’s spine. This can’t be true. After all the time they have spent together Sehun has finally given in to him and now he’s acting like it all never happened, like Jongin isn’t even existing to him anymore.


Dumbstruck, Jongin stares at his hands, wondering if he’d gone translucent.









Cycle 5, 36

Dead End.







The realization dawns too late and has Jongin freeze in a limbo of consternation. Finally, he understands and with the shock evoked, there seeps the desperation from his soul.

Mouth agape, he watches Sehun go, a weak whisper of denial on his lips.


“No.”

Sehun continues moving, unaffected, a walking shell. It’s not his father, the culprit is Sehun himself.


“Fucking wake up Sehun!”



He already knows it’s a vain attempt when he runs for Sehun again, captures the taller man in a tight embrace, attaching to his back like a shadow.

Unwilling to let go he buries his face in the other’s broad shoulder, stifling a laugh that much more resembles choked sobs.


“I’m right here. Open your eyes.”


Truly, it’s comic in a bizarrely twisted fashion. Without knowing even, Sehun is denying his own bliss, caught between cycles.

He has not been the only one, Jongin is sure now. He’s not the one to safe Sehun either, he’s just another.



“Don’t make me disappear.”



His vision is contorted, a blurry mess of white punctuated with the dark blue blotch of Sehun’s cloth-clad back. Obdurate, deaf and blind, the cut flower is trapped in a world without. Frost invades Sehun’s soul, traps him in his very own quiet yet cruel winter.

Jongin doesn’t let go. Frozen, in the middle of a carpet of white they stand, bodies pressed close as the actor forcefully twines their fingers. Sehun's skin feels as smooth as ice to the touch.

Winter is too cold for tears to fall.



As predestined, Sehun has lost another one.











Cycle 6, 1

I ran into someone today. His name is Kai. He’s a total lunatic who pretends to know me.













>Go vote!<




TAGS: !fic challenge, genre: angst, genre: au, genre: mature content, lenght: one shot, pairing: kai/sehun
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22 comments
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mereblackwords
November 18 2012, 18:07:41 UTC
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Spot again for xoeishi ! :)


...I really hate on this fic, though. >>
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xoeishi
November 20 2012, 04:06:06 UTC
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Asdfghhjkl SHUSH okay. That was beautiful. I looved the whole story on Sehun's chracter, it was just amazing. BUT SAD, STOP MAKING ME CRY ALL THE TIME! DD:


All in favour of Xia writing crack say "I", yup.
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mereblackwords
November 20 2012, 08:34:07 UTC
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Thank you~<3 I'm sorry. xD The Kaisoo fic that's coming up is a sad one too though.... x))


...I don't think I possess the genius to write crack to be honest. ._.
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xoeishi
November 21 2012, 00:18:10 UTC
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Sighhh, luckily I'm a masochist LOL
Bahaha, I think it'd be interesting.. (it'll be the first time I finish reading your fics without a heartache..)
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mereblackwords
November 21 2012, 00:20:42 UTC
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I can only think of sad plots lately. I'm sorry. v.v


It would probably be horrible. xD But I can try. I got a day off tomorrow.

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xoeishi
November 21 2012, 00:49:06 UTC
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LOL, no need to apologize, they're all awesome. Sad, but awesome. ._.
I think you'd have an interesting sense of humor? :D
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mereblackwords
November 21 2012, 01:04:48 UTC Edited: November 21 2012, 10:15:34 UTC
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Thank you. ._. But I feel like I need to write fluff now. *pukes rainbows*
I'm gonna write taoris. Or Hunhan (I can imagine them so well as students in university)

I'm quite 4D in real life so this might turn out to be interesting after all. xD

The link for the voting is up now btw! Also read the other stories! There's some really nice stuff up there. ^^
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xoeishi
November 21 2012, 22:26:45 UTC
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Yes! I love the university life for Hunhan in particular, haha! I'll be waiting to read your fluff oMG. okay! I'll go vote and check them out! x)
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kim_ri
November 18 2012, 19:59:33 UTC
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holy shit this is really good gaaahahsoiegjaoisjdf

approved btw!! You may change the link on your submission to this one :)
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mereblackwords
November 18 2012, 20:03:04 UTC
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LOL THANK YOU!


Gonna change it! now! Sorry again for the hassle. OTL
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euphorias
November 19 2012, 15:12:33 UTC
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WOW
This is absolutely amazing.
Your use of imagery is stunning, really.
Just wondering, why can't Sehun see Jongin? I know it's like a repeated cycle or something, but I'm a bit baffled here, haha.
Really love this. :)
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mereblackwords
November 19 2012, 15:28:59 UTC
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Thank you very much! :)

Well it's like this:

When Sehun was little his father caught him making out with a friend. So what happened next is that he beat up little Sehun pretty badly and since he's a man with a lot of influence he managed to have the whole family of Sehun's friend "disappear" so that Sehun wouldn't be tempted again. That's when Sehun closed himself up, didn't make friends anymore and stayed on his own for fear that his father would make them all disappear if they were too much of a distraction to his education. So for the next few incidents it's not clear if it really is the father again who makes Sehun's lovers disappear or if it's Sehun himself who subconsciously ignores them, cuts them out of his perception, because of that childhood drama. He's caught in a self-induced continuum. Then no matter how hard he tries, he'll eventually make the same mistake of falling in love again.


I hope that helps you. x)
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euphorias
November 19 2012, 15:34:36 UTC
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Omg... this is ingenious, really.
So there's no magic/fantasy elements right?
Basically, it's all psychological and his perception is skewed.
Haha wow, this is amazing.
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mereblackwords
November 19 2012, 15:43:39 UTC
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Yes, exactly. ^^

Thank you again! xD

Also check out the other fics for the challenge if you haven't already! :)
The voting will start today. I'm gonna put up the link as soon as it's available. ^^
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mereblackwords
November 19 2012, 21:51:19 UTC
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Thanks. .u.
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shine_alive
November 19 2012, 21:42:28 UTC
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oh my ;n; so many tears i don't even
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mereblackwords
November 19 2012, 21:51:47 UTC
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Nuuu don't cry~
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minghun
November 20 2012, 19:41:06 UTC
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This is beautiful and sad /sobs/
;~~~~;
good job! ♥♥
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mereblackwords
November 20 2012, 20:05:11 UTC
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Thanks! I personally still don't like it for some reasons but I'm glad you liked it! .u.
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m_a_creations
November 23 2012, 21:04:44 UTC
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I'm like trying to read all the entries but school is so evil to me... Now I'm like rushing to read everything.

But boy... This was good! I was really entranced with everything. Hmmm...I know this was angst and I really wanted this to have a somewhat subtle ending...but I really enjoyed that the ending had Sehun being psychologically disoriented in his own way. I just feel so bad for Jongin. TT^TT

So does that mean he meets Jongin again?! And starts the cycle all over again? That's what's kind of stumbling me. But anyways...I really enjoyed this! ^^ love the angst...!!! And their interactions...were just beautiful.

I cannot compete to this. -_-

<3
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mereblackwords
November 23 2012, 22:06:22 UTC
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Haha, yeah I read them too. (well not all of them but I got through half of them at least I think...)

I absolutely agree with you on the ending thingy. Maybe that's why I personally don't like this particular story of mine. Why I didn't vote for my own story.

Yeah, but no. Jongin's an actor who now somehow managed to get himself noticed again by Sehun by taking on the role of someone else. (note how he called himself "Kai" which his his stage name) So yeah, since Sehun is living in cycles it starts over again for him with Kai.


Lastly: Thank you for the detailed comment! ^^ <3

......and I don't even know why it got that many votes. >>
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m_a_creations
November 24 2012, 05:07:24 UTC
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Oh my goshness! Ok! I think I get it now!! LOL!
Thanks for replying back. ^^
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22 comments
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