Notes

I'm sorry I did this. I thought I was trying to keep our relationship safe. I thought it was better, by not telling you this and covering it up.

What you say is right - if you did love someone deep enough, it would prick you, kill you and make you feel really guilty. I guess I'm so used to lying that I don't feel guilty for anything at all.

I really wish I hadn't lied. I really wish I was the person you deserve...

But you know what? I should be the only person who feels sad about this, not you. Because I'm not worth your sadness and tears. I wish you would stop crying and think about life further (easier said that done, I know*)

My heart is being destroyed right now. I don't think this feeling of guilt will leave me at all (Yes, I do feel guilt*)

What I did to you was unfair. I realized that what I was doing was wrong but the time I realized it, it was too late and my mind went into cover-up mode. I wanted to keep this relationship more than anything else. I knew (still do) that I couldn't find anyone else who loved me so much, cared for me over some random crush. I realize that hiding it was a huge mistake. As I said, lying seems to be more easier for me than the facing the truth.

I wish we could get back together... but would you really need someone who lies in your life? (Probably not, right?*)

My heart doesn't want me to let go of you.. keeps telling me about those times we've spent together,

* about the way you looked at me in general (so much love in your eyes),
* the way you call me `kitchuma?`,
* the way you used to cook dhaal (dal*?) for me,
* that day when you taught me ML, saw the questions in the ML final exam and thought about me and hoped I'd be able to handle it,
* that night when I was sleepy and we were trying to do the Tevfik Kosar presentation, you threw that jacket on me and made it look like a frock
* the way you teared up when you left for India last May
* the time we spent in Wyoming and drank that juice from the huge cup
* the way we looked at babies and dogs
* the time when we used to get up and go to security class
* the way you hold my hands with your (nail-less) fingers and play with them
* the park behind kenmore and how we spoke to that old lady there with that dog
* the time we went to Erie Canal (cos I wanted to show you around the nice places I went to when you weren't around)
* I could go on and on

When you say I don't care, I want to say you are wrong, but I can't bring myself to say that (I am a cheating asshole after all*) but I do care Jani ma. I've never been someone who shows out emotions but I have told you everything about myself. I've never told anyone about my dead friend and I did tell you. I did open up a little, which I never have. Thank you for letting me do that. I probably cant be loving and caring as much as you are, but I love you with everything I have Jani ma.

You've taught me so much about myself in the past week. Thank you Jani ma.

Is all this worth enough for me to hide what I did? I would argue yes, I would've lied so much more to keep you in my life. But lying is wrong, you don't need a lying fellow in your life. I hope you find someone who doesn't lie and I hope you learn to trust again

* - shrug


















* imagine me shrugging
* - Shrug shrug shrug