Notes

May 6 2017
Today I went to my first therapy session and it was very eye-opening. I learned a lot about myself that I didn't even think was wrong. I have a lot more issues and deep down stuff than I thought. I am very open with my anxiety but didn't really know how to describe my depression moods or thoughts. I am able to feel happy but not over-joyed. When something happens with Jace I truly do feel happy but I don't think I have ever felt so excited that I can't stand it. When I start to feel really excited its like something is telling me to not get to excited because you are probably over-thinking it and will get let down. Whenever I go to like a party or out somewhere I remember people saying just let loose or just have fun. I was never and still am not able to do that. I have to think about everything before I do it. I can never just randomly scream out of excitement or happiness, it feels very awkward and uncomfortable to me. We also discussed some of my depression symptoms and when we were talking I wasn't really able to talk about these symptoms because it was hard to describe. I think this is because I don't like to talk about it and then I can't explain exactly how I feel. I remember being younger and getting in fights or arguements, I was told to talk or say something and I would just stare and physically could not say words. I still do this sometimes with matt and he gets very upset that I can not just say what I want to say. I think I have a lot more depression issues then i originally thought before today. The therapist brought up a good point. She said I can be happy but I am always just "Ok" I can get depressed moods I just am always kind of lower mood than a normal person and then I have my depressed moments and then go back to my "normal". I think if I keep going I am going to find more things about myself and exactly why I do things that I never knew why. I really want to just be a more positive person and just be happy. Maybe my answer is medicine but I really hope with more therapy that I can just be more positive over-all.