I had long distance relationship, we met in 28.11.2015 with her and we start to date in first day, i know it was strange but it was very special day for both of us, it was one of the worse days in her life and also me and we supported each other and beat our fears together, it wasnt so easy to date with someone from Finland for me or for her cause we have too many KM between her and me, sometimes we fight, sometimes we felt the love and see how strong it is in our every bones and i have promised her that i will be in Finland as soon as possible but i never get a chance to go there i always had financal problems cause my family and me is poor, i tried to find work, i did find one for a little time but the money i earn wasnt enough to go there, it could be enough if she open her house doors for me but she said she can not because of her family was racist and hate from Turks so i just couldnt do shit about it and i’ve lied about myself to her, it wasnt too big lies but lie is a lie it doenst matter and then it makes fights between us we did broke up and she did something bad, she did kissed with one of her friends and i actually hate from that guy because he took her phone before and send me racist messages and called my girlfriend as his future wife and she was knew what he did, i said to stop talking with him but she did not leave him even she send me a picture of that kissing picture it because she wanted to take a revenge cuz of the things i did. It makes me very sad and i did said bad thigs to her called her as a whore, i still feel bad about my words but we forgive eachother somehow we back to eachother like we always did, everything was cool and then something happened to her after 10 months like in November 2016, she became very cold to me and stop speaking to me without no reason, i have tried to ask her whats going on but she never told me what happened, i tried to hard, i have beg her and i told her that i can help her no matter what, i could make her feel better but she never told me and we keep going for a month with her coldness and in 25.12.2016 she delete me from facebook that makes me angry, i asked her why, she said nothing i did shout her again cause i was out of controll, i thought that im going to lose her after she delete me from facebook i doubt that she is seeing with someone else than me, i broke up with her she denied but i did anyways and it didnt take long time to back her, i back her in 01.01.2017 again, we was heal the wounds we made also there was a bad feeling inside of me and i started to ask questions and questions and also i said no matter what i will gonna forgive her and in final she couldnt hide it more and she told me that she cheated on me with a guy in christmas which is mean 24.11.2016, of course i never thought of something like this, i never thought that she can cheated on me cause it was against everything she believe, she were one of the girls always go to church and not before marriage and then she came to me with this cheating thing and it make me so fucking bad, after she write me this i instantly called her and i couldnt stop crying i was shaking, i was shocked, i was crying asking her why and she was standing quiet most of the time but she said that "i promised i will forgive her no matter what" she was also angry to me cause i didnt take my promise and force her to tell what she did, i couldnt take one of my promises again, like i couldnt go to Finland to see her, i keep crying asking questions i was asking, why and why and why for 30minutes and only thing she said to me was "i dont know" and then i close the phone because i was too angry hiting to my head slaping myself because of anger, i was too angry to myself and to her in same time, i was hate her also i was love her and after few hour i called her again she denied but i spam calls to her and she answer my call in final, she was with her friends i was hearing girl sounds in background and i was still crying my eyes turn to purple and do you know what she did, i was asking and asking but she was ignore me it was like she answer my call and leave her phone and then i asked a question to her "Are you regretfull about what you have done?" she answer to that and she said "maybe" it broke my heart and again and again also she laugh to me, i was crying, she was laugh it soudns like she was having great time with her friends like she never gave a shit about us, about me it was the worse feeling i ever felt before, she close the phone to my face. I decided to call her again it was 02:00 and she answer my call this time, she was driving, i was feeling awful but also there was nothing to do about it, she was the person who did this all to me but i was looking for cure on her, like a a fool, i was repeat myself, asking her same questions and getting same answers “I dont know, Maybe” it was one of the things she do all the time, she was so nice about ignore someone, i understood that she wont give a shit about me and while i was crying under the darkness in living room my dad saw me like that, it was so embrassing for me, i never had something like that before, i hate when someone see me crying, he came and asked me what happened i did not wanted to tell him in first but he said i could be your dad but i’m also your friend you can tell me anything, he made me to tell him what happened, i told him everything, he hug me and give me advices, i did what he told me to do because what he told me to do was sensible, he told me ton ever forgive her because if i forgive her she will do the same someday, he told me that if she would love me she would not cheated so i did tried to delete her from my life, i did stop talking to her and actually she wasnt write me either but after a week she came back and write me, she was trying to back to me, i thought that she felt bad about what she did, i did ignore her messages, i didnt asnwer to her and she göne for a while and after a week she came back again but this time i couldnt ignore her because i was missing her too much but it was one of the stupid things i’ve ever done in my life, i shouldnt answer to her, after i answer to her it makes me to feel bad again, we fighted again and then she said something like “i didnt cheated, it was a lie” i said even a child will not believe this lie but actually i was fooler than a child, i didnt wanted to believe but it fucked my mind, i started to think of “what if she tell me the truth” i did back her after a while and asked you were serious about that? She played her role very nice and she made me to believe her about she telling me the truth, i was believe in her also i wasnt believe, i was stuck in middle of somewhere and actually never felt comfortable like i used to, we didnt start date again, i was trying to make myself feel comfortable with her but it was so imposible all i do was blame her and fight, fight, fight and someday, somehow i force her to tell me truth and she said that she really sleept with that guy, it broke my World again, i was feeling like before actually even worse but i just couldnt stop talking to her, i tried to be nicer, i tried to forgive her but it was so imposible because of what she did and also she wasnt help me at all, i always felt like she hide secrets from me, i still do, i probably will never know her good enough while she is that mysterious. We keep talking talking and talking, fight and fight and blame each other, yes accept, i wasnt perfect, maybe i was too much jealous of her, maybe i was so overprotective, i accept all but i did all of this only because i care about her too much and she was the most important thing in my life, i could of die for her without thinking a seccond, she never see how big is my love, she always saw my bad sides or maybe she just didnt wanted to see my good sides and in 03.05.2017 she opened herself to me, a little at least.. i’ve learned why she was too cold to me in November and all of the time, in past, when she was little someone in refuuge camp tried to rape her but he couldnt do it because she pushed him away and escape from him but it makes her fear all the time, i did support her and make her braver in the first days we met, it’s one of the biggest reasons why she fell in love with me in the begining, okay so about the thing in November, she told me that there is one man about 40 years old start touch her without her wish many times, and it bring all of her fears back and she didnt wanted to talk about this, she acted cold and when i ask what’s wrong with her she said nothing to me cause she thought that i will be angry to her if she told me whats going on in her life so one day when she was in church that guy was there too and also her friend slept with was there too, her friend(let’s call him as a X) make that 40years old man scare and leave her for a while and because of that she started to feel safe after long time because of X guy, i’ve nothing wrong with this part, it’s even nice that guy protected her, it’s what friends for but and then in christmas he came her house to give her a gift and then all i know is he started that sex thing with her, she said she didnt wanted to do it but also she didnt stop him when i asked her why you didnt stop she just say “i dont know”, she cheated on me with that X guy in that day it was something only for one night at least it’s what she told me, i understand everything expect the sleeping part with him and i also think that X guy is not someone like he seems or she lies to me still, it just makes no sense, how can someone who scares from touching and getting raped sleep with someone, how it helps her? After she told me what happened in her life i felt too bad, i cried because i wasnt there, i tried to help but she never said what happened to me in right time and then i told her that i’m sorry about it, it was like i was going to forgive her because i just felt guilty, i told her that i’m here, you dont need to scare anymore bla bla and then she started to blame me again, like she changed her act in one seccond and she blame me that “i never take my promises, i never did go to Finland to see her” bla bla and it broke my heart twice, i’m just so comfused and i have no idea about what to do, i’m feeling awful, i just love her more than anything and i dont want to leave her, i dont know how to leave her just.. i’m out of words already…
