Notes

I feel like I have a hard ass time trying to balance my social life and ambition
I think they shouldn't be mutually exclusive but I feel like they kinda are for me
Like I don't want to assume people's goals but I feel like mine are just different from other people's
And if I get close with someone with different goals I get all fucked up and idrk what happens maybe I get emotionally attached or they're just distractions from my goals and then I end up really unhappy with myself
But I also don't see the point in shallow relationships bc I don't see how they're helping anyone improve
So I sorta feel like I have to decide between people and goals and only choose one and that's not fun

oh
but
does somebody else having different goals affect you a lot?

It like
I might stay up late talking to them or not do work bc they're not doing work

oh
i see

Hm okay I actually think my goals aren't super different but I feel like my ambition is more intense and I don't know what's going on with other people but I feel like they say they want to change but nobody wants it enough to actually do shit
And when they succumb to instant gratification a lot of the time they also try to get me into it or something and it's just I feel like friends hurt me more than help
Except they do help a lot? Idk I just feel like I can't choose between working towards goals and being social

well i mean
being social doesnt necessarily mean that you have to talk about goals
or like
ok well in a different sense
what is the end purpose of your ambition
or your goals

That's a fucking good question that I don't really have the answer to I just want to get better at things and like SO MANY THINGS but I also don’t have a good answer to why do I want to get better and whenever I think “is my ambition even healthy what if I were less ambitious” my gut is just like FUCK NO and I don’t really know why
But I also feel like wanting to get better is sorta a natural feeling?

well
get better at what
just
learn more things?

Like
Everything
Learning's a big part and exercise
And all my hobbies

ok
lets assume that
through your work
and ambition
you become super good at all of those things
then what

I think for me there's a sort of fulfillment in getting better at things like it just feels good to be good at something

i see
ok from the other perspective then
why do you want to be social
or what do you like about it

It's fun
I feel like it's short term gratification though
Often after I have some social event I'm like well I didn't improve at all and idk
I feel like being social doesn't have to be like that
I want friends that'll support and work towards goals together instead of like
Screwing around together
On a slightly different note I feel a bit of intellectual loneliness like there's not enough like-minded friends to share ideas with and people don't want to talk about deep things all the time
Personally I don't like shallow conversation bc I just feel like it doesn't DO anything and maybe I need to think about that more
But I also don't want to say I'm like "intellectually different" from other people lol bc that's just kinda shitty and relevant xkcd lmao: https://xkcd.com/610/

hmm
i kinda feel what you're saying
sometimes i get annoyed at people too
for just
talking about petty or small things
like one reason might be
not many people think like you in terms of constant improvement
and some people get intimidated by what others are doing
unhealthy competition spawns and it makes people feel bad
so they might just want to screw around to avoid it
but i think a more convincing reason is just that people like talking to other people
it doesnt matter what the topic is
if its just about what you did at a restaurant the other day
or about classes
or whatever
just talking to another person and sharing experiences and thoughts
is nice
personally i don't always feel that way but i think it's a good outlook
it doesnt mean you have to like everyone
or talk to everyone

Agh I just don't really relate I can see that it might feel good and maybe that's like just biology or smth bc humans are social animals but like ok then what next after you talked about your restaurant like you're in the same place as before when you could have improved
I guess I can also see that it's like happiness and that is a pretty big goal
But I think it's so short term and reliant like happiness relies on sadness to exist and what are you going to do when you don't have people to talk to

be careful
it might be true that for something to be good that bad has to exist as well
but does this mean you have to give up the positive to avoid the negative
ups and downs are part of life
the way you approach everything in terms of improvement
theres nothing wrong with it
but that philosophy will probably cause you to approach other people the way you think about social interactions right now
for as long as you think that way
don't feel like you have to change it
if its a fundamental aspect of your nature

Hmm I think actually I have problems lol like I don't have a rational explanation for why complacency is bad but I sort of just really don't like it and that's driving me nuts
Like if you were all settled down and pretty set for the rest of life why not just relax?
But then also my mind is like why not fucking improve?

well
its because not everyone thinks that way
that everyone is different
don't worry

I'm wondering why like all the millionaires don't just settle down and stop working
Maybe it's a altruistic concern like they want to make the world better for other people and I feel that a LOT
If it were selfish though like why work when you don't have to?
Also in a purely constructive way
You've said a lot of times that you wanted to like change your sleep schedule or something similar
Why haven't you?

well its gotten better recently

Hmm okay why do you feel like you wanted to do that

uhh
just cuz feeling sleepy all the time is shitty
LOL

Oh LOL

i think about the nature of reality a lot
and like
what life really means
sometimes when life seems really shitty
its easy for me to be detached
and say like
well if i just die sometime
nothing really bad will actually happen
i dont even know why i exist in the first place
id just be going back to where i came from

Oh I think about life a lot too

but other times
i just think about how
well since i'm here
i might as well do something
work towards something
it doesnt have to be becoming rich
or famous
it could be anything
maybe somebody's life goal is to make one person in the world a little bit happier
or their goal is to cure cancer
or their goal is to become a professional sports MVP
as long as whatever somebody does gives their life meaning
i dont really think anyone is any better than anyone else
sure you can say that the person who founded 5 companies and became president is "better" than the guy who dropped out of high school and works at a homeless shelter
but if that second guy finds something at that shelter
or in his life
that makes it worth living
good for him
its like

I think I agree

for you rcase
you have something that drives you
im glad you do
and that you don't feel like you have nothing to do
you said how you wanted to find more people who want to improve and encourage each other
maybe you won't find that many people at gunn like that
or in your life right now
but the world is a really big place
you're gonna find people who resonate with you for sure
until then i see nothing wrong with continuing what you're doing
its kind of nihilistic and optimistic at the same time but
everybody eventually dies
theres no exception
is there some god in the afterlife that classifies people based on how rich they got or how much they did for this world
i doubt it
in the end life is what you make it out to be
so im glad you have something that drives you already

I feel like I made a little more progress thinking bc I really really want to help people it's like the most fulfilling and long term happy thing that I feel
I think my dilemma is like
I could live a decent enjoyable life and have caring friends and family
But I also could have changed people's lives and really helped them
Which requires some amount of sacrifice
And like
I'd really feel like shit if I were like I could have helped but I didn't
But I don't think I'm prepared for the amount of sacrifice or like the sociopathic tendencies that I seem to be going towards
But I don't know what's the difference in the help given to people between like a small meaningful gift to a friend and listening to them when they need it or like changing someone's life or even saving it
I just feel like I COULD HAVE done more

hey dont sweat it
you know how old you are now
you're like 16 or 17
how old are you gonna live to be
at least 4 or 5 times that age
if this motivation doesn't go away
which from talking to you i'm sure it won't
you'll make an impact
it is really really hard
to make a lasting impact
as a high schooler
in fact the best way to work towards that
is probablyw hat you're doing right now

I think I've had this motivation for a long time lol I just haven't been self-aware enough to realize what exactly it was

well
thats great
better to realize it now
than never

I
God
But I'm not prepared for the work and sacrifice
Especially when there're easy ways out

well
nobody can really be prepared until they get a taste
you probably don't even know just how much you'll need to work
or sacrifice
but it doesnt matter
you have some kind of will
which is better than nothing
i dont even know if you know enough to know you're not prepared
maybe you actually are
or maybe you're not
but you have motivation
which is good