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Bagian paling memikat dari plot kalian adalah bahasa yang kalian gunakan. Pilihan kata-kata dan deskripsi kalian benar-benar membawakan kesenduan dan ketenangan tertentu. Saya jadi bisa membayangkan Daimah Lake yang tidak terasa panas, malah mungkin jadi seperti danau-danau di Eropa atau Amerika seperti di film-film. Sayang sekali, saat mulai ada percakapan antara Luna dan Kayo, mood-nya terasa sedikit jatuh. Agaknya, bahasa percakapan kalian di awal terlalu kasual dan informal, sehingga berbanding jauh dengan deskripsi plot. Mungkin lain kali bisa disesuaikan sejak awal, karena mendekati akhir plot, bahasanya sudah tidak terasa seperti itu.
Sedikit koreksi, usahakan jangan menyambung terlalu banyak anak kalimat dalam satu kalimat besar. Perhatikan efektifitas kalimat. Saya menemukan banyak kalimat yang masih dapat dipisah tanpa menghilangkan kepuitisan deskripsi. Hati-hati juga dengan penggunaan tanda baca serta kata 'di' sebagai kata depan. Penulisan yang benar adalah 'di antara' dan 'di sini', bukan 'diantara' atau 'disini'.
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