no, I cant chill a little bit. I was gonna wait until tomorrow but since you don't want to hear any bullshit, since everything I have to say is to you, maybe we should just back off the situation. or maybe I should. regardless of anything, fighting? over what? its embarrassing when people tell me all the stuff you do that is completely in-called for because everyone knows I'm nothing like that & don't like anything like that. the skipping school, the smoking all day, the fighting? all of it. you wouldn't catch me dead sacrificing my future for something to temporarily remove stress. its not me & never really been my go-to option. yes, I understand you do it for your own reasons, but wouldn't you rather do something for yourself. you say you love me, you say you'll do anything to make me happy, you say you need me, you say you don't want to lose me and I question that. all of it. because if what you tell me is true you would follow through with it, you would do what you have to do, you would try a little harder for yourself, for me, for us. its hard to have to sit and watch you do what you do, to have people ask me all day, wheres shamar? and I have to sit there and tell them I don't know, and I really wish I did. I really wish you were where you were supposed to be. & yeah I understand you have your problems, your "personal problems" that I could never understand, or handle but regardless of what you think I have problems to, problems that never really go away, problems ive learned to deal with, but no I may not have it as bad as you, but at least you have things I cant, or don't. you have your mom, regardless of the fights you get in shes still there. mine? well you would know if you asked. its different. I'm trying here for both of us, I'm here for whenever you need me. but do you ever think sometimes I need someone to talk to, telling someone doesn't change anything, and you know i have trust in a very small amount of people, but i have no one to cry to, no one to ask for help, and I wish I could talk to you but you cant grasp it & you always want to talk about something different. change the subject and whatever, but I'm not blaming you for that. youre not my therapist. youre supposed to be there when I need you though, I could be having the worst day or morning ever and all I want to do is see you. but youre gone, at mcdonalds, under the bleachers, in a car on your way to some destination you cant seem to tell me. all of this is so hard because I love you, and youre the only person I want to trust sometimes but its hard, why? because you lie to me. i hate liars, and I'm constantly getting lied to by the people i love. my family think im okay all the time because ive always been the happy one, always smiling, always laughing but I cant be that person if im not really happy and no one ever asks me if im okay because they just assume, and if it affects me. i'm gonna wrap this up though, and maybe we should just take a break if this is all too much for you. i cant keep going back and forth with you. I cant keep believing you when you tell me youll do better for me. when youre serious about me I'm here but for now, I think you need time to yourself, to think, to prioritize your shit. plan it out man cause ion want you to add on to anything anymore, youre supposed to help me when I need you, yet you just leave and wait for me to cool off so you wont have to talk about it with me. really really think about your actions, because one day, they might lose me. permanently. goodnight, I hope you really take this time to think about what you want. you got it all tonight, instead of tomorrow. no bullshit.
