Notes

You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off?
Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.
If you’re waiting for me to care, I hope you brought something to eat, because it’s going to be a really long time.
Someday you’ll go far—and I really hope you stay there.
Sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid than open it and remove all doubt.
You only annoy me when you’re breathing, really.
Do yourself a favor and ignore anyone who tells you to be yourself. Bad idea in your case.
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
9. Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
10. Remember that time I said I thought you were cool? I lied.
11. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while, but you really abuse the privilege.
12. Can’t help imagining how much awesome the world would be if your dad had just pulled out.
13. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d gotten enough oxygen at birth
14. Please, save your breath. You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date.
15. Can you die of constipation? I ask because I’m worried about how full of shit you are.
16. Good story, but in what chapter do you shut the fuck up?
17. Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.
18. Please, keep talking. I only yawn when I’m super fascinated.
19. Sorry, I didn’t get that. I don’t speak bullshit.
20. The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
21. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
22. Are you always such an idiot, or do you just show off when I’m around?
23. There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
24. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.
25. I was pro life. Then I met you.
26. You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
27. Whenever we hang out, I remember that God really does have a sense of humor.
28. It’s kind of hilarious watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.