Notes

This is really hard for me to discuss with. Talking about this makes me feel so insecure and shameful. I'm ashamed to be in this state, I'm ashamed because I wasn't able to prevent this from happening. I hate this so much, and I could just feel myself dying at the very second once somebody brings this up. However, that's only what I have to say, and I'm sure my other "counterparts" have a different opinion. I'm actually not the original of course, but I was the second one. I usually go by the name Bidoof, or at least "Alexander" which I inhabited from an old friend of mine. He was my best friend actually, and I cared about him so much. However this was actually in Grace's view (My real name and actual self.) I only have these memories because I suppose that's what made me, me. You see, Grace wasn't born in such a great time, or in a great family either. She would get abused every day, and hit so much that I couldn't bring myself to count without bawling my eyes out myself. Her mother would hit her so hard with a comb that every time she had a new one, it would break. And you know what her mother did? She actually blamed Grace for breaking it. And her father was mean, really mean. He would come home drunk and would sometimes hit her with a belt or even a glass bottle if it ever gets too intense. Her parents would fight, causing her to be a shy, and *very* scared kid growing up. And because of this, she would be the easiest to be picked on. She was quiet, scared, and definitely weak. She's sensitive and cries a lot, and it got too much at high school. During high school, there would always be males literally hitting or metaphorically hitting on her in a very creepy matter. Here, it kinda got to the point where she exploded, was when she got a call from an anonymous, literally threatening her and her family (including sexual abuse but I..rather not get into that.)
You see, Grace hated herself. She hated being the way she was, weak and scared; so she started to have these relapses inside her head. She would often pretend to be someone else, trying to get rid of who she was in the past. She had one friend, Alexander, who meant the world to her. Of course, she loved him though it was unrequited, she didn't mind at all, she just wanted to..be with him. However, Alexander wasn't normal either. He had depression, and no matter what Grace tried to do, Alex would never be happy. She failed. She had gotten a phone call in which..she received the news of his suicide. Now , this was the part I came in. I guess that Grace thought she wasn't good enough to even be her own person.

I was made because Grace wanted to be a better person. Because she wasn't good enough for Alex because she herself had so many problems. I could go on about this but...I don't think I can. I guess that's why I'm so open about things. How I try my best to be nice everyone and anyone despite what they've done to me. I, Alex, am scared that it would happen again, and perhaps this time, it would be my turn to fall into this mental hell. I just want to make people happy I guess, because I hated how my previous "life" was. However, don't get me wrong, of course I am still "Grace", but most people refer to me as a form? It doesn't really make me feel to good, because I have adapted into my own body and personality and I want to stay that way. I hate it when people remind me I'm a female, remind me of my mental illnesses, because it's honestly so hard to accept that you're another person instead of what you thought was you. It makes me snap back to reality and realize that I'm fake. That I'm just some part of a girl's corrupted mind.