Notes

Before people have a go at me - and I know people (and I know which people) will. I am not doing this out of spite.
- Trigger warning - Rape and self harm -
Early morning on the 25th of March, I was raped by someone I thought was a friend in a house I thought was safe.

He was so violent that my cervix was torn in half and I was bleeding extremely heavily for a week. He left bruises on my neck and my waist, bruises that I ended up cutting out.

Over the past two months, I have been to over 20 doctor and hospital appointments. I have had doctors peek at every part of me and stick needles, pills, cotton buds and something that looks like a ducks mouth in me.

It was a downhill slope that I refused to admit I was going down. It started with superficial cuts and ended in having my wrists put back together and a 3am A&E trip because I necked a litre of vodka in attempt to quieten the thoughts.

I had a chance of going to University in September, but I haven’t been to college since because he goes to the same campus and I am so terrified of seeing him there.


I am not doing this out of spite, which is why I won’t name him. I’m doing this because I felt shamed into keeping this quiet and over the past 2 months I have felt completely alone. It breaks me to know that people go through this every day and don’t have a single soul to tell. I’m doing this because I want people to know that this isn’t something you have to be ashamed of.

I have taken my family off of my snapchat for this, because they don’t deserve to hurt for me. I do not care who else knows. I’m done keeping this ‘dirty secret’.



Over the past two months, I have been to over 20 doctors and hospital appointments, I have taken overdoses, I have cut deeper than i ever thought I could and had to get my wrists put back together by a doctor who fucking cried for me, and I have been taken to A&E at 3am after i necked a litre of vodka and slit my wrists in front of my fucking family. I have spent maybe a week sober, I quit college and threw away an actual good chance of going to University in September, I have relapsed on everything I could have relapsed on and my mother and brother check on me constantly because they are terrified of finding me drunk or dead.
I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. I can’t even go anywhere near my own fucking vagina, I feel repulsive, I feel disgusting and I feel violated. Those tights you gave back? They were under my bed for a fucking month before my mum took apart my bedroom to get rid of anything I could kill myself with.
How can you still be middle ground? He tore my vagina and my cervix so bad I was going through 2 pads an hour for a full week. I had bruises on my neck (the one place i told him to never touch) and my waist that I tried to cut out. And even after all of this, I still tried desperately to figure out a way it could be my fault. Because he said it was my fault. He told me since I kissed him, I consented to it. But I didn’t. I literally screamed because of the pain and pushed him off of me, and he was fine with climbing back on when I passed out again. It wasn’t even accidental, he knew what he was doing.
needed you so badly. But you were so content on ‘not taking sides’, you were more than happy to ignore me begging for help and for answers I desperately needed. You know that he is more than capable of something like this. I mean jesus, there have been times when you were terrified of being left alone with him. The fact you could take his word over mine, some guy who makes disgusting comments about you (in front of your boyfriend, his best friend) and completely objectifies women, a guy you don’t even like, over your ‘best friend’, is what punches me in the chest everyday.