Notes

Hey Sneha,

I probably shouldn’t be writing this and it probably is irrelevant just like every other text in the last year or so. We have reached the logical conclusion to our tale and I am not here to debate or challenge it.

Anyhow, I started writing today struggling to communicate. Like all the other times. I wouldn’t know how to start. We have no equation and I am not good with strangers.

If am being honest, whatever I will end up penning down will be exactly as it would sound; cringe-worthy. But if I am really being honest, it does take a lot of courage nonetheless and it does pain me that I spent so much time and energy on someone who could belittle it with such ease. I could have either broken down in tears or called you illiterate. I made a choice. In hindsight, probably even you will agree to my choice.

For a moment there, I falsely believed that for all the times I have been mean to you, I was a jerk who pounced on you with whatever justification he could find. And I don’t fall in the good man category. A severely flawed specimen; insecure, lazy, stubborn and arrogant. I never know when to stop. And my pet grief always leads me to a downward spiral. And there's always my face. Such a recipe for disaster.

Probably, all of that comes together and explains why I let that chase go on for so long.

It did pain me deeply that we couldn’t find a better ending. It really did. And even though it's just plain embarrassing, I want you to have that because it’s true. It’s also true that it was a relief and probably the better choice I made last year.

If we could have been friends, we would have been friends. I would have called you a buddy and punched you in the arm. Just that I didn’t want it, I never did, never said otherwise and it wasn’t fair of you to have that expectation of me. Friendship like a relationship is a two-way street. And the truth is, no matter how much I lowered my expectations to facilitate the friendship bit, you just didn’t come through. Never convincingly or without a hint of malice at least.

If you were paying real attention, you would have let us slowly drift apart without us ever having to talk about it. If you were capable of maintaining boundaries, we probably would have had a better ending and who knows, maybe you would have made sense as a friend. The truth is your unsolicited (and largely pure bad) advices going well above and beyond a friend's role over the time pissed me off. And so did your behavior. And so did most of the conversation topics you picked up and persisted with. I just couldn't tolerate that crap and no self-respecting human being should have to put up with that. Good riddance.

I do wish that I had bragged less, and stayed more civil and polite. It’s a testimony to how much you could get to my nerves that I resorted to stupid teenage reactions including not just how illiterate you were but also how I don’t need Pinterest because I can purchase what I want. That was snide, cheap and very off-putting and so were a lot of others things. In hindsight, I should have behaved. Can't be justified.

For what matters, I tried with whatever I had. The good. The bad. Of course, it could have been better and of course, it failed terribly bcause otherwise, I wouldn’t be writing all this mumbo-jumbo. And yes, I wanted something very different. So yeah, the grapes were most probably sour. And yeah, you did piss on whatever we had and something I'd largely built on my own with nothing other than pure raw perseverance with such ease and no regrets. I want you to have this because it seems like something you'd be proud of. Besides, it's the truth and I think I can acknowledge this today because it doesn't matters anymore. On paper, it is embarrasing, yes. But does it matter anymore? No.

I always wanted a closure that I can live with. And this is mine.

-Anadi