Notes

Here's a whirl into my fucked up mind. I'm fucked up. I'm shattered. I'm broken, I tell people these things & they insist on getting to know me... Then when they see it for themselves they leave like i'm nothing. Do you guys not realize how much more it's tearing me down? I already want to disappear why make it any worse..?
Yet here we begin. You want to know me so bad? Ok fine!! I'm a freak to people. A whore. A toy. Nobody loves me, nobody sticks to just me. I'm nothing but, a fucked up girl who needs help.. But, here's to the nights I stood alone, to the night I cried so hard I couldn't breath, to the night I prayed for him to come back to me, and of course to the night where he never turned back.. I tell people things just to get left. I'm tired. So tired & nobody understands what i'm meaning. I get told "oh sleep at night". "oh take a nap" well I can't. I shake in my sleep, I have nightmares constantly. I close my eyes & the hell gets worse. I don't sleep at night because, i'm to busy crying.. When I say i'm tired, I'm not meaning the kind of tired that can cure sleep. I'm tired of trying just to be let down. I'm tired of plastering a fake smile on my face & saying "i'm fine" just so people don't worry about me. I'm tired of being sad but, happiness don't exist in my world. Happiness isn't a thing to me. No matter how long I take to search for it I never see it... Do I starve myself again or eat breakfast? Tonight I will write my suicide note, but only in my head. Tomorrow I will wish I was already dead. & despite all this I will still get myself out of bed.. I'm getting worse & nobody knows. Nobody notices.. Of course they wouldn't i'm not that important. I'm not beautiful, I hate myself. I hate being called beautiful when I don't see it.. Wanna know beautiful? People without gaps.. People who have perfect skin & beautiful smiles.. Perfect is the girls you see to this day with the perfect eye brows, perfect white teeth, beautiful eyes, perfect skin.. Everything like that. I'm not skinny, i'm not thich, I don't have a little bit of meat. No i'm fat. My curves are gross. Shit, when I worked out & had a somewhat ok body I still hated it because, i've been put down so much.. People get mad when I don't take their compliments but, do they understand what I get told constantly? Do they understand the pain i'm feeling? Do they even try too? No. Nobody does. I don't matter. I never will.. I'm just the second choice. I've spent 4 years telling myself that things will get better, that I will change, that things will be different & ok.. But, now i'm starting to realize that I was lying to myself. None of that is true... I just want to disappear for one day. See how many people would be sad. How many people would even care... I don't say anything out loud about being depressed because, nowadays it's for attention. So instead I call out to people with my eyes.. I throw hints out that everyday i'm getting worse but, that doesn't matter does it? God forbid tristin will be ok right?! No, No I will never be ok! I am not ok! I am not fine! I am not happy! I go without food sometimes. I cry every night. I hate myself.. I'm really fucked up, & with my past adding onto it there is no way to being ok again... One other thing, never fall in love. Never set yourself up for heartbreak. I fell in love with someone who shouldn't have my heart but, they do & it hurts it breaks you down so much knowing someone can have such a huge control over you. Knowing someone can make you so sad but, with a single word you forgive them because, you care so much.. They could say the most hurtful shit, & you would still run back to them... They could leave for days on end & randomly come back & you'd be so heartbroken but, you'd realize how much you love them & it honestly sucks.. Love sucks... But, we can't help who we fall in love with half the time... Honestly do whatever you want with your lives... I can't control it, but please just leave me alone so I can drown in peace... This is part of who I am.. Who I will most likely always be... Goodbye.