Notes

My worst possible secret


I wish I could tell her how I feel so bad, but if I do I risk everything we have. I'm so ashamed for even wanting her because she deserves so much better. I'm so shitty. I pushed her away from her crush because I didn't like him. This was before I even liked her too. I wish they could still be friends or even be together. He still visits her page even though she removed him. Why the fuck would I boast about hurting their relationship. I have no right to do that.

She's not as close to me as I am to her I don't think. If I told her how I feel she would probably be pushed away. That isn't something you want to hear from your best friend. Hey, I like you. I like you sooo much, but I can't tell you. She doesn't deserve that sort of stress. I wish these feelings would just be platonic again. This hurts so much and I'm so jealous of Astral. She actually liked him. If he liked her back they could have been together. Maybe if she had talked to him more... Jealousy is so pathetic.

My biggest bother is secrets. I hate when people say they can't tell you something or if they hide things. Well, guess what, you're doing it right now Emily. I will tell Soule later. I don't want to lose her yet. I don't like the way I feel after I realize these feelings won't be returned. I completely understand why though and part of me is okay with that. You can't force someone to love you. I wouldn't dream of trying.

It was so ironic when I was about to vent to her through palpad then I realized, Hey dipshit, she doesn't know you have a crush on her. I don't want to imagine how creeped out she would be, I've been creeped out by that before. Someone liking me and me not returning the feelings. Especially when you just see someone as a friend. At least I can vent here.

I should probably explain why I like her now. Well, might as well keep this organized so I'll number it.
1) Whenever I came back from depression, she said she had missed me. I was in shock, I thought she had definitely moved on. After that, we talked almost everyday.
2) I love her creativity and imagination. Her writing style is so unique. She's so fun to be around.
3) She's trustworthy, sadly too shy (I understand why though), we can share jokes together. She doesn't tell me how much of a bitch I am. She actually agrees with me sometimes.
4) I can't read her like other people. She's unpredictable to me. It's shocking to me. I misunderstand her so much. That's alright though, it's nice to learn people without knowing them exactly.
5) She's there when I need someone to confide in. Usually, people expect me to listen to them then they want no more to do with me. She might not always have a response but it feels so good to know someone is actually there for you.
6) I really want to protect her. Even before I had romantic feelings for her. It's a pity someone so amazing doesn't have good friends. I blocked Touka with her. He was such a fucking pervert to her. He's one of those people who want things from you then never wants to see you again. I have no idea why she left Astral for me. I had told her what happened and she actually unfriended him. That was weird. Girls almost always care about their crushes more than friends. Just like what Allison did to me... Rose too.

I couldn't list all of the small things I like about her. I can cry all I like but I can't avoid the inevitable. I have to tell Soule. Not now. But in a few weeks maybe. She deserves to know. Hopefully, my creepy ass feelings will go away and we can just be best friends again. I really hope that happens.

- Pathetic Phox

(I love how Resistance by Muse plays just as I finish this note)

Is our secret safe tonight?
And are we out of sight?
Or will our world come tumbling down?

Will they find our hiding place?
Is this our last embrace?
Or will the walls start caving in?

(It could be wrong, could be wrong)
But it should've been right
(It could be wrong, could be wrong)
Let our hearts ignite
(It could be wrong, could be wrong)
Are we digging a hole?
(It could be wrong, could be wrong)
This is outta control
(It could be wrong, could be wrong)
It could never last
(It could be wrong, could be wrong)
Must erase it fast
(It could be wrong, could be wrong)
But it could've been right
(It could be wrong, could be wrong)

Love is our resistance
They keep us apart and they won't stop breaking us down
And hold me, our lips must always be sealed

If we live our life in fear
I'll wait a thousand years
Just to see you smile again

Quell your prayers for love and peace
You'll wake the thought police
We can hide the truth inside

(It could be wrong, could be wrong)
But it should've been right
(It could be wrong, could be wrong)
Let our hearts ignite
(It could be wrong, could be wrong)
Are we digging a hole?
(It could be wrong, could be wrong)
This is outta control
(It could be wrong, could be wrong)
It could never last
(It could be wrong, could be wrong)
Must erase it fast
(It could be wrong, could be wrong)
But it could've been right
(It could be wrong, could be)

Love is our resistance!
They keep us apart and won't stop breaking us down
And hold me, our lips must always be sealed

The night has reached its end
We can't pretend
We must run
We must run
It's time to run

Take us away from here
Protect us from further harm
Resistance!

(This song reminds me of Dystopia)