Notes

Hey Chris,

In a very general sense I am going to explain some hurts that happenedfor me over the last few years. I understand there was goodness, fun, and real love and that will not be forgotten. I also want to share some of my other feelings.

You actually had my heart from the beginning, I was pretty open and unbelievably happy that I found you. You pretty much had me at hello as the saying goes. I was deeply, madly, openly in love. Although I was shy I was open. A bit after the first time we went to Tulum the beginning of the BDSM happened. I was crushed. I was crushed because it was painful, ugly, and violating. I didn't and still do not understand any of it. I am not asking either. It took me awhile gain the courage to tell you I wasn't comfortable with it and did not want it happening any longer. We can say this was re-traumatizing or something but the truth is you traumitized me and crushed my experience of our love.

We were sitting on the couch, had a great talk. I was really proud of myself for sharing my feelings and you received them so well. I was afraid I would lose you if I shared my dis-interest in BDSM and you reassured me that we and you were so much more than that. Thank you. Then later that same day you sent my emails defending your interest in BDSM. This was a total disregard for my feelings. This was about you. And this has nothing to do with consent, I consented to everything. But I never should have had to say more than one time I do not want this in our life. And in my love for you I wanted to make you happy, I struggled internally, I wanted to love you well, and so within a few weeks it all came back. This time more aggressive. Bringing things on vacation to Marthas Vineyard, bruises, real pain, tears. I was crushed. And each time I gained the courage to re-bring up my dislike. you would tell defend it with all of the stories of why it was healthy and good for me. You Even used the fact that the harder you hit the more I gushed. Again, I was crushed.

And as I look back I have not ever recovered from there. It spiraled me into a behavior of distrust, confusion, and feeling that you had absolutely no empathy or care for my feelings. It triggered me into behaviors of rage, verbal abuse, and unkindess. This I own, it was wrong. And the more i acted this way, the more I self reflected, self hated, and gained all of the attention as the one who needed to fix herself.

Beyond the BDSM I can see how this happens between us often. You at times are amazing at sharing your empathy and feeling and connecting deeply to me. You did this so well at the beginning of our relationship. It blew me away. It's probably why, even though you have had many short term relationships they are so meaningful. Thank you for that sweet time. As time went on though I felt over and over again I had no right to feel the way i did about given situations. No longer referring to BDSM. When I would open up and be vulnerable I was often met with one of two responses - push forward and find the solution or you defending your view point. You took away my right to feel the way I do about a given situation. And so then the cycle continues. I am very aware of my work and faults in our relationship- christ I became the focus. And after thinking about it I am not sure it is all Dad related, I think alot of this came from You, you and I together- however you want to say it. You took the fun out of life and constantly sent mixed messages: Like we can have fun all time, you're not a self help project. (which by the way is not possible in a long term relationship.) And then a half hour later you would send me articles on relationship issues, traumas, self improvement quotes. It's confusing. I constantly felt never enough for you at a certain point.

I am sorry for my abusive drinking and all that happened in New Paltz. It was unacceptable behavior. I also understand it as I was trying to find a voice that you would listen to to stop hurting me in bed. The John and Meghan factor also became interwoven in this at that time. PTSD response and alcohol was a really bad choice. I am sorry, nobody ever deserves to be hit under any circumstance for any reason. That is a haunting that will stay with me forever. And thank you for seeing me as more than that, you have helped me on the journey to my own healing here.

September: What you left on my bed was highly disturbing and not okay. And although the door was unlocked you broke into my house while we were broken up without my permission. You took your keys back and made it very clear I could not come to your house. How dare you enter mine, my bedroom, put those things on me bed. It was deeply violating.

And then we had that beautiful morning, even with all that at happened I allowed myself to open completely to you. Soul to Soul, no cheesiness you had all of me. If you could look at me the way you did after what I did then I was going to believe you. And before I was even out of bed and dressed you were talking of Mecquel and her being upset about the car in the driveway. That was also really violating. You can say you chose me but you chose her here.

And then the next day you picked me up around the corner like I was a whore. Brought me to the basement where you had a spread of things and chose what to use on me. Eventually putting butt plugs up my ass on the floor, not even in the tv room, but in front of the closet. It is just occurring to me you might not have wanted me in your bed or by a window. That is disgusting. Then you drove me back to my car and dumped me off. I felt like a whore, a piece of trash, and violated once again.

Ultimately you can say you chose me but you did not. You chose Mecquel because her feelings were more important than mine, her not being hurt mattered more than me. We both should have mattered. But we didn't, she did. You took something from me that cannot be returned. The violations of my personal life, my self respect, and my body. Absolutely unforgettable.

And this past year I have tried so hard to be happy with you, I don't know if you actually have empathy or not. I know you accept responsibility and fault for September but I am unsure you understand the damage you did to me as an individual. You say you have empathy and you have a hard time communicating it, it feels like you don't care. It feels like you don't see me. It feels like I can't be me with you. And that in turn left little room for you. I apologize for that. I don't trust you or your intentions, and that made me unavailable to be there for you.

As for things like the second floor and a ring. You did not let me have my feelings here either. Every time I brought up a concern, a feeling, an msl listing, or a particular ring (which is not about the thing, it is a very vulnerabe, emotionally intimate thing) I was met with the defense as to why the choice you believed to be right made more sense. I can totally see this pattern now and much of both of our behaviors and failures make sense now. It's interesting because it often happened from small things to large things to business things. You took away my right to my feelings about numerous things.

When Kristine was here on Halloween I went to ask her for help making the chicken nuggets, and I asked weird because once I started I got over sensitive about making sure I was being kind. And she stopped me and was like, just ask for my help, I got it. I had been thinking alot all that day about how I can be kinder or more proud in my relationship with you. It is true, our relationship has brought out the absolute worst in me. And I am tired of feeding that part of me, keeping that alive. So I said to Kristine, "Sorry I guess I am alot nicer now that we are broken up ha?" I had myself convinced I must be the monster through and through. And she said "No. You were not ever mean, sometimes you were a "B" but you were not ever mean to me." And then it hit me, it isn't me- it is us. A proud and sad moment rolled into two.

Thank you for the lessons, the time, the love. I cannot and will not let September be ok. I need some form of self respect and dignity to say you had no right to treat me that way, It was unacceptable and unforgettable. I can only heal this if I am no longer with you. Just being betrayed is one thing, to be treated like a whore, and watch you choose Mecquels feelings basically in the exact moment we had both opened our souls to one another is deeply disturbing.

I do wish the best. I would like a clean break. No problem for you as once you decide to push forward you do it 100% haha. Please do not write me back. I know all of your feelings and do not want a line be line defense on what you do not agree with. You hurt me, I hurt you. You loved me, I loved you. Let's take it all and do better moving forward. I am sorry this email focused on pain, hurt, and the sadness.

I do appreciate all you have done for me more than you will ever probably know. Thank you for making my dream of owning Onyx a reality.
Truly. Truly. Truly.

We can be in touch on things that will need closure and wrapping up as it makes sense. Business aside, I wish to have no personal contact with you as I would like to begin my healing process and move forward in my personal life Please hear me and respect that.

With care,
Shannon




Shannon Elliott

Owner
Onyx Yoga Studio
www.onyxyogastudio.com

Owner, Consultant
Rodan and Fields
www.selliott.myrandf.com