Notes

today i figure i haven't got my life in order. i procrastinate, this feels like an illness that is only cured by disipline and hard work. Sometimes i feel like i am all talk but no action and i am concerned about others going to college or university but really i should worry for myself. it's not that i should stop caring for others, it's just that i am no rolemodel--- like who am i to judge, but i guess that's just human nature. It's sick and petty really and i wish i didn't have such thoughts but i do. My mind hasn't been working like it used to.. i think it's another grey period that i am currently going through. I don't like these patterns, it is as if i am subject of my own doom. i have no answers for my problems so i thought to myself, hmm "just go with the flow right now". I haven't wrote in a while. Just pondering. With pity from Brisa because of riding the bus but i trust, i know what i am doing. save, save, save, these bars roll faster than cars and i can't help but wonder, or at least shake the feeling that i am fairly depleting the one thing i'm used to pleading for dumbness. i call it dumbness because sometimes my brain becomes to active and i pray and hope for it to stop, no matter the consequence but i guess i really should have thought, hmm- none of this makes sense. i reap what i sow and even with the good grades it really does show, how much i know . I know nothing and i very well thought i knew most of everything and now i know that no one was telling me, your not who you think you want. What i want is the gold standard of a desireable-resposible person, but as i know now, i am neither and may forever know i may not be either.