Notes

It sucks soooo fucking bad that i just have to deal with this and people are like ohh do you have trouble paying attnetion in class :// like YEAH i do but its just permeating through every aspect of my life and debilitating my function and making me so fucking miserable like..... its so much more than that...... i cant pay attention in class so i fail quizzes and tests on things i should know but i just stare at the board and don't take any notes because the words aren't making sense and i can't understand what they're saying so i just space out
my room is a disaster and theres piles of stuff everywhere thats so unhygenic and makes me so sad whenever i see them but i just cant make myself pick it up or find where to start or figure out when the time that i should do it is so it just piles up and piles up
i cant find anything that i own because i just put it down wherever and then completely forget that it even exists until i need it and i cant find it anywhere under the piles or out of the thousands of places i couldve put it down and walked away
i fuck up my own social and academic lives : completely forget to respond to emails and texts, meetings, appointments even when theyre really important, tell myself ill get to it at some point but i dont
social events are a fucking nightmare because i never remember that they're happening until someone's telling me of it the moment of. i literally have no idea what's going on because i can't categorize it in my brain
im late to everything, literally late to my first class every!! single !! day because i either cant find my keys or something or im staring at my open closet drawers for literally fifteen minutes because theres too many clothes but nothings right and i dont know what to pick out and its so overwhelming that i cant start so i just sit there and stress out because i cant go to class because i cant get dressed OR im too busy doing one of the few things that im actually interested in so ill just sit there and read for hours and put off class because i'm so focused that i cant break it and drag myself away
HOMEWORK..... bane of my fucking existence... not in the way like oh hehe homework sucks id rather be doing something else like NO I fucking WANT to do homework more than anything i just cant i cant like i sit down to do it and i know what i have to do but i dont know how to prioritize things or where to start or how to do it and it doesnt work no matter how hard i try i end up quite literally staring at a blank computer for hours and thats the fuckign TIME BLINDNESS is the worst part of it, i legitimately am unable to regulate myself and guard my own sense of fucking time passing so i will be staring at emptiness for hours trying to get myself to be productive and ill look at the clock and think it was minutes but its actually hours and that terrifies me. like so many empty periods in my day where i legitimately dont know where i was or what i was doing. theres never enough time and it just slips away from me so i dont have time for anything else because ive wasted the entire day and i dont understand why or how it happened but i just have to deal with it so i turn things in late and procrastine to the last second or dont completee my assignments at all
cant physically sit still, like physically feel itchy and squirmy and fidgety like i have to move my body idk, so fucking difficult for me to sit down and still for periods of time i have to be constantly moving or fidgeting or doing something weird like moving my feet or hadns or body in a weird way or repeating the same phrases over and over again that looks so strange to everyone else but i have to do it or else i dont hear what anyones saying in a conversation and anyways i keep asking people to repeat because i wasnt listening and i dont know what they said to me and even when im talking i cant find the right words and it feels like i just cant express what i want to say or it doesnt translate from my thoughts to my words at all and it frustrates me a lot
HYPERFIXATION..... i have like a few interests and things that actually bring me dopamine so my brain just CLINGS to them for dear life... and i will prioritze them over EVERYTHING: work, sleep, friends, studying, school, being on time to things, showing up for things at all like if im engaged with one of these things i will not stop thinking talking or engaging with it which is also why im so late and i dont hang out with people enough and would rather be on my own a lot but then it makes me really lonely and upset and then i get impulsive because i dont know how to control or regulate myself so ill just do whatever gives me short term gratification in the moment and makes me happy then even when its neglecting my responsibilities
anyways i jsut end up crying a lot of times because i WANT to do stuff i want to so bad but my brain takes me somewhere else and it doesnt work and just gets worse and worse and worse for me

idk im just realizing all of these things i think are things ive always had i just never dealt w it but its gotten so bad in recent times i cant ignore it anymore

and the part that frustrates me THE MSOT out of all of this is like uoull be going thru all this and so fucking frustrated and upset and then you finally try to get help for it and theyre like WELL THERES ONLY ONE CURE NOW YOU GET TO BE ON ACTUAL LITERAL FUCKING METH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE THAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE FREQUENT BREAKS FROM OR ELSE YOU WILL GET TOLERANT AND ADDICTED TO AND WILL ALSO PROBABLY MAYBE SUFFER LONGTERM CARDIOVASCULAR DAMAGE AS A RESULT!!!!!!!!!!! ALSO THERES A NATIONAL SHORTAGE OF IT AND EVERYONE THINKS YOURE AN ADDICT FOR TAKING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then im like well shit maybe i dont actually have adhd and im jsut lazy or this is just normal that everyone does even though i literally started to go get tested because all my friends and coworkers were pointing out things i do or straight up asking me if i had it