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i dont know if i want to end it all. i experienced something close to dying during a car wreck. i thought i was going to die. i tried opening my door, but the car hit my door which caused me to get knocked out. i saw my mom get out by crawling under her door but what hurt me wasn't the wreck. it was my mom, leaving me in the car. not even checking if i was okay. i thought about just staying in the car. rotting. im nothing. i just wait for people to use me or to ask to use my things. i get yelled at all the time about helping my mom. all he says is, "your mother is useless", "she almost got you killed for drugs", "shes only using you", "she doesnt care about you". and im sick of it. the more i think about it the more i want to end my life. but my little brother, my little brother is the only one there for me. i love him and he loves me. we care more about eachother than anyone else in the world. i dont want to hurt him by hurting myself. i would hate myself even more. i have another brother, but hes creepy. he always trys to get close to me and tries touching me in spots. and my little brother is the only one who knows. im 12 living with my grandparents, but my mom has custody. my dad went to jail after sexually assaulting me. im so desperate, i even tried reaching out to him after what hes done to me. i dont get it. im so pathetic. as im writing this i can hear fireworks. do i end it all? im trying so hard not to. im to scared to die. but tomorrows july 4th. which is the date i have my suicide note as. im to scared i dont want to die. but something is telling me to commit. and i wont be able to stop myself. like whenever i cut myself. i hate doing it but it brings me so much joy. im not myself whenever i do it. i havent been myself at all this year. i lost my bestfriend of 5 years by taking out all of my anger out on her mom and her little sister and im so mad at myself for that. she didnt deserve that. she didnt. i just added more to her problems. she had already been through so much. i really do not care anymore. school is in 5 weeks and yet i have no friends. shes doing just fine without me. everyone loves her. lots of people have crushes on her. i dont know whats stopping me from killing myself. whenever i come across a sad post on tiktok and it says, "i love you". i know they dont mean it. they dont know who i am. they dont know whos watching their video. are you using me for views? are you using me for likes and follows? im sick of being used yet i want to be used. i want people to actually need me and want to talk to me. i say one person is my bestfriend but to them im nothing but someone they talk to whenever they are bored. im too scared to die and i know im close to killing myself. i have blocked everyone on imessage besides my brother and i have deleted snapchat and instagram and im very close to blocking everyone i know on tiktok so no one has any way to talk to me. i want to cry but im too tired to. i want to cry but no tears are coming out. im always having to start conversations. whenever we have to pick partners, i see my closest friends pick other people. im nobody to anyone. i try to hard to impress people. "just cut yourself one more time mia, nothing will happen. just a couple of scars. dont go swim. just wear longsleeves." "you have too" "it hurts, you deserve it". i hate myself. my mom was at the hospital and i threw up because of how bad her arm was from drugs. i made her feel so bad. im sick of myself always making people feel bad. im sick of always comforting people but yet i want to comfort people so i feel needed and so im liked but yet im not liked. im just someone to vent to whenever someone feels sad then they dont talk to me for the next 5 months or longer. i dont see myself having a successful future. younger me wanted to grow up and become a lawyer, but all i want now is to be dead. and be happy with god. and be happy with jimmy. hes waiting for me. i cant unblock anyone because i already deleted their numbers so there is no going back. the fireworks just make me want to do it even more. i'll try my best to be a pretty sunset just for my little brother and mom. they deserve the world. what the man doesnt get is that my mom is a drug addict, its an addiction. you cannot just snap your fingers and get rid of it. you would be willing to risk everything to get them. how could he say, "she used you", "she almost got you killed for drugs", "shes useless", "how could you love her". and he has the guts to try and become a "father figure" for me. hes demented and abusive. physically and mentally. i hate him with everything in my body. goodbye, like i said, ill try to make a pretty sunset. - mia manuel
     
 
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