Notes

First thing's first,
Stay away from the drugs.
Do not attempt to do anything to yourself. Restrain yourself as much as possible. The environment you're living in, like I've said before, is depriving you of a true, complete life for your age. Try your best to continue, because I assure you, it gets better.

I'll tell you a little story this time, and then let you decide what you'll do with learning about it. [If you could give me some time.]

Do NOT feel bad for me. It's okay to feel bad for yourself, but not me. Please don't. Please just bare with this story I'll tell, and recognize that imitating how I avoided all of the problems I had at that time isn't too hard or too easy. If you give it effort, you will achieve eventually. For giving effort at this very moment may pay off in the next year, like I've noticed now. Because it has. I have a girlfriend. The thoughts are manageable. My Dysthymia and Suicidal Tendencies plagues me as much as my Schizophrenia. I control my Dysthymia and Suicidal Tendencies. My Schizophrenia is yet to be conquered, but I am working on that, and putting time and effort into it. The summer is going to give me opportunity to prevent it from continuing, hopefully. It's caused me about the same amount of pressure that my Anxiety has - and that's a shit ton, if I have to be honest. The truth is, sometimes, I can smile and not have to fake the smile.

Approximately 1 year ago, about May 2014, I was at the end of Year 9 and had an almost perfect body for my age. My shoulders were broad, my biceps were larger than they are now, I was doing weightlifting as much as possible and making sure my nutrition was up to the standard of a bodybuilder's. I trained using 15-20 kilogram dumbbells and benchpressed as much as possible, about 80KG was the peak I think. I was 14. I stood 6 foot tall, which is much above average for my age in my country. 5'6.5' is about the average for a 14 year old male where I am. What nobody knew, past my physicality, was the greatness I had displayed on the exterior wasn't conveyed on the interior. Let's go a month and a half forward. [at that time, I thought these feelings were true understandings, but now I realize they were thoughts, because I was telling myself falseness - as my real understanding was blurred by 5 disorders I had. I still have the 5 of them.] These feelings weren't as bad as this until about now - the past month and a half were torturous and extremely painful to both my mental and physical health.

A month and a half ahead, I felt so sad every single day and hated pitying myself, but I did. Innumerable thoughts surged through both my blood and my mind, telling me to kill myself. I wanted to. Badly. Very fucking badly. And it didn't get any better for about 3 months. I didn't pour my life into one select person - I didn't try to do that at all. Luck wasn't on my side either. I wasn't doing well at school in the last part of the final term. I thought I had no hope, I thought I wasn't going to get anywhere in life. I looked at myself in the mirror each day after school and noticed what a piece of shit I looked. My health was becoming progressively worse. So I didn't have anyone to confide in or for someone to listen to me. So I didn't really have the best friends in the world as they had no idea, and I knew they wouldn't be able to understand as well as handle any of the feelings my problems would give them. So I didn't have anyone to tell me I looked good, even if it was a lie, apart from my mom and dad. But I presumed they were busy all the time and left them to do their work each day instead of telling them my problems, even though past all the thoughts, I acknowledged they cared. I told myself I would feel like shit for telling them. I felt I would be a pussy telling them, and the voices told me that as well. [This next bit is a part of my Paranoid Schizophrenia which I have, as well as the previous sentence] Bill kept telling me to end it, the results I had at school showed everyone I had no hope and had no general intelligence. Bill kept telling me I had no awareness, Bill kept telling me I should just end my life because it wasn't worth it at all. Eventually, I began to give up and let the thoughts take over me, worsening my self hatred, my self consciousness, my motivation, my battle against sadness and ultimately, my fight for an attempt at living. I would say school was horrible for me at that time too, not just the grades. The environment I was in. The people who were around me. What I was told. 'Ugly' is one of the many insults I got a lot of the time.

Let me remind you just before this next part - do not feel sorry for me, do not care that much about the past me (if you have the urge to). That's the past me. Not the real, current me.

How about going ahead to around the end of July, approaching the beginning of August?

I'm on holiday in Croatia with my parents! Everything was going FANTASTIC [the definition of fantastic has altered a lot since then, to its true definition. 'Fantastic' then was a day where I could at least laugh properly once per day, and smile properly once per day.] when I was with them! I loved them so much, and I love them even more as each day goes on.

But I was alone one night, with my thoughts. I went down to the pool area. I made a split decision.

I tried to kill myself via drowning in a pool.

I failed, in a shit way.
A lot of people cared.
I thought too many people cared.
But it wasn't that too many cared, it's that I didn't perceive all of them TRULY cared for me,
and wanted me to continue living.
They became increasingly aware of what I felt like as each day went on and what my disorders did to me, so the people who wanted me to be sorry got me to be sorry for not seeing they cared - all of them said for me not to apologize, because they then knew what was going on inside me.

Why don't you reach out even more Bailey, why don't you have talks with people? If you cannot do that, put up with your problems like how I did. (That's such a bitchy comment to make, Fred, you utter arse... but I need to be honest now.) And try. TRY. You have willpower - that's never drained. No matter if I have days where I feel like I've given up completely, no matter if I feel all my willpower has slipped absolutely short, no matter if nothing good happens to me, I'll find a way and I'll get my willpower back. With my HOPE, as well.

And my situation is so much better now, because I tried.
Other people's stories are similar. I'd imagine my girlfriend's is similar. She has a horrid time with her anxiety - which in turn causes some depression. But she tried, and she let herself be helped like I did.

I'll say one last thing now. I apologize for the brutality and the anger that can be perceived to be here, I apologize for telling you a story - if it wasn't what you wanted. But the point is, I tried. And I did things that you did. After that, I tried. September 2014. I tried. October 2014. I tried. November 2014. I tried. Those 3 months was where I received shit grades at school, but put a lot of time and effort into my girlfriend. I turned myself around starting January 2015, and tried even harder. The past month has been so much easier in comparison with the last year and a quarter. Because I tried.

Bailey, please do not end your life, because it means as much as it does to people you are unaware of as it does to me.
Bailey, please do not consider yourself inferior, unwanted, unimportant, insignificant or as though you don't have anything to live for. It will be gifted to you in time. [I'm gonna become a magical psychiatrist!]
Bailey, please do not keep all of this inside - IF YOU CAN LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT. Be wise about letting it out, but DO NOT WORRY YOURSELF SILLY ABOUT WHO TO TELL. Find someone as trustworthy as possible. Be polite, be cautious, say sorry every now and then but MAKE THEM LISTEN. And reach out. Further, Bailey.

Bailey,
Thank you for reaching out to me again.
Hopefully it may be the last time.
What's going on now is temporary.
Stay away from those damn drugs! They'll only reward you with a dream-like version of happiness, not real happiness! And don't just do it for temporary 'enlightenment' or 'happiness.' Please.
Don't you dare harm yourself! Why do it? Easing the pain? What? Easing the pain? I'm sorry to sound like a dumbcunt, but isn't paining yourself to 'feel something' so much worse than holding those urges inside that little bit longer: so you can give yourself time to find hope, to find some happiness, or some other legal form of relief...?
And don't you know that killing yourself can make me end my life, right? - if I find out. As well as others considering it. Would you want them to die away? (I don't want to guilt trip you, by the way... that sounds sarcastic, fuck. But really.)

Be sure to try, like I did. Like Shanaya Khan, my beautiful baby, did.

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS, OH MAN, IT'S AS BIG AS A FUCKBOY'S EGO.

See you whenever Bailey.
Peace and love, sincere blessings to you.
[Psst! One last thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A lot of people love you and you don't even realize it.]

-Fred xo