Notes

Some stuff:

-the moral of this story is that no matter how much we try, no matter how much we want it.... some stories just don't have a happy ending.
-I think that the whole point of being with someone is so you can talk to them and let go of everything; and even when you're at your worst, they still want to speak to you and care about you.
-sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough, I don't know why.
-you don't actually have to be happy; just make them believe that you are.
-do I ever get to be upset? Do I ever get to be anyone but me?

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Being in love is like you're in a dream or a fairytale book... Everything around you is perfect... And then talking to that person just makes any day you are having the best day of your life... Like if you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, talking to them makes it the best... The feeling you get its... Its indescribable... When they are having a shitty day you are having a shitty day... You think about them 24/7, 365 days a year and you never get bored, you can listen to them all the time and everything they say you remember. You can't stay mad at them, you can't get mad at them. You wanna be with the, every second of everyday and when they aren't talking to you or away for family stuff or other things you miss them like crazy. It's like your heart is gone. When they aren't around when they get mad at you, you wanna beat yourself up. You love everything about them, you wanna be there for them no matter what it's like everything you do is for them you care what they think or have to say you just want them close to you you'll do practically anything just to see that amazing smile on their face when they beat themselves up for something you wanna murder the world because they are unhappy with themselves... It's one of the best feelings in the world but at the same time it's very heart breaking because once that person isn't yours anymore or once that person stop being there for you it's like... Nothing else matters it's like your world has ended because they aren't there... So you have to deal with seeing them happy with someone else and all it does to you is shatters your heart into a million pieces but at the same time you're happy because they are happy... It's the best and worst feeling in the world but once you feel it once you feel yourself falling in love or once you're in love just cherish it because in a blink of an eye something happens and you can never make them happy again and they are walking away and all you can do is watch.

But what if you never experienced that feeling before, what if you've had girlfriends or boyfriends but still never actually been in love... What if you feel yourself falling for someone right now but you don't know you are because you never felt that feeling before. Maybe that's why reading love stories make you happy because you know the feeling exist but you just haven't experienced it before. Are you lucky because you haven't actually felt that before because you know you may end up getting your heart broken in the end or are you just that unwanted person that no one wants to love so you beat yourself up for it and have your heart in a box locked with a key and everything.

Falling in love... According to urbandictionary.com, the definition of falling in love is "the phrase often used to describe the stage where your starting to fall in love with someone. Trust me, when your in this stage, you will know. You constantly think about him/her and can't see, to get him/her off of your mind. Your heart skips a beat whenever you see him/her and everything even the little things he/she does, maybe just a simple "hi" can brighten up your day in anyway possible. You will daydream about him/her, he's/she's the last person you think about before you go to sleep and the first thought when you wake up in the morning. And when someone hurts him/her or make him/her cry, you just want to kill and crush that person up. But when you know that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, have a family with him/her, that's when you know you're actually "in love". Even when you guys get into fights, you still love him/her no matter what and he's/she's always going to be your first priority. And even if something went wrong, and you guys claim to let each other go, the truth is you can't let him/her go. He/she will always be in your heart and you know it. There's not a day that goes by that you don't think of him/her, or wonder if he's/she's doing okay or not. If you messed up or he/she screwed up, just try to work things out, because the truth is you only fall in love once and if you lose it, you never gonna get it back. So cherish the moments that you have with him/her and never let him/her go."

Although falling and being in love is probably one of the best feelings in the world, sometimes you aren't so lucky and that relationship ends which comes the worst feeling in the world... Heartbreak and according to urbandictionary.com, it is "the absolute worst feeling in the entire world. When one is heartbroken they may actually feel such an intense pain they don't even want to live anymore. One may feel heartbreak when a romantic/relationship comes to an end or when one has been cheated on etc. you can't think about anything except for the awful pain you feel and how much you hate the person for leaving you, and at the same time you DESPERATELY want them back. Heartbreak literally feels like someone is stabbing you with a knife into your chest and twisting it repeatedly".

Now you maybe wondering why I'm writing this... But there is literally absolutely no reason for me to write this.... I was asked one day what does being love feels like and I thought about it for a couple of seconds... That's how the first part of this came about.... And if you are still reading this then I am honestly sorry for wasting your time... Because I will say this once again there is literally absolutely no reason to this... This is purely out of border and the fact that I am constantly up all hours of the night.

Have you even been in a horrible situation? Then the person begged you to forgive them with that adorable face. Everyone has been there don't lie... I've always thought about something.... Do we ever truly forgive them? I mean, I think they have a saying, "forgive but never forget," but then again do we forgive and forget and start over in the first place. Let's face it if you forgave someone and they they did something or even pissed you off... You'll get repissed at them for the first thing they did. So I go back to my question.... Do we truly forgive people?

You know, you don't actually have to be happy; you just have to make them believe that you are. I mean like you don't have to smile all the time. Show that you have another emotion. Get a little upset. We live in a fucked up world and you actually being happy all the time is fucking creepy because it's like you want the world to be fucked up.

Everyone I've met told me at least once that I don't have a heart or that I'm mean to people. If you been through what I've been through you'll know why I seem pissed off all the time. But like seriously I probably been through hell and back too many times and people think I have no right to be unhappy. I may seem cool and collect but do you honestly think that's the real me. I honestly ask myself, "do I ever get to be upset? Do I ever get to be anyone but myself?" Because me is not who I want to be. I have so many flaws. Maybe that's why I'm not in a relationship.

Simply a thousand years... I'm so fucked up in everyday shape and form.