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i was still a kid when
i first wasn’t.
i was 13,
i was cliffside-waiting,
and i hoped my world
was coming to
an end.
every evening sold me a bargain
of dull grey skies
no one else ever saw.
everyone else saw sunsets.
i bought the clouds every day regardless,
paying them away with my blood.
i never saw the sunsets.
i never minded that it hurt
as pain and i were by then
as well acquainted as old foes.
the silver tongue of silver blades
had me knowing i deserved it anyhow.
clean-up was
a routine matter
of tired lamenting,
“tomorrow will be better.”
tomorrow took its time.
tomorrow came at age 15
and i finally saw a sunset.
the reds weren’t quite like my usuals;
too orange. still,
they were beautiful.
i forgot the evening sale that day.
the most tempting evenings loved
to lurk in the shadows before
the most brilliant sunsets;
a reminder of impermanence both ways.
hot showers, ice cubes, and rubber bands,
every one i turned to pleadingly
accompanied by promises of
butterflies and semicolons,
tattooed.
today i have tattoos,
imposed by means
the same as their reminder.
not a butterfly;
i didn’t struggle enough
for a butterfly.
the smell of iron haunts me,
but i can’t help but find myself
missing it,
even after all these years.
fine red lines found a similar fate
in my eyes.
i trace them, the scars,
and i imagine shower floors
and sharp blades
and blood payment
and grey skies.
truly, they haunt me.
i kept the bracelets
the same as i kept those scars
and i wear them equally as proudly
by burying both as deep as i can manage,
one in boxes and the other in pockets.
i haven’t decided yet
if i regret paying blood for them.
a sunset is orange
and yellow, pink, and
never red.
i get to watch them turn into tomorrow
who is always on time.
and evening’s sale is no longer
fought nail and tooth for,
twisted longing easier to subdue
with not-butterfly tattoos,
and a deep breath,
and a reminder that tomorrow will be better.
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