i fucking hate myself so much, i just i dont know how to explain it. god, my lifes a mess, i feel like everyone im supposedly "friends" with hate me in the back of their mind or i just piss them the fuck off every single time i start to talk. i hate my body, face, the way i talk and act in fucking general. at most times when people say something to me i dont know how to react so im just like "oh..okay, cool" cause im on the edge of tears telling myself to just count to 50 in my head. i go to the restroom every day it seems to just sit down and take a 5 because of what people say to me that do hurt, but y'know if i show it does who knows what they'll say next, right? ik youve said that paidon just acts the way he does now bc of past trauma but man, when he said shit abt my sister and my aunt that was way over line. i wanted to fucking burst into tears, smack him and run out of class but im supposed to be a good kid, not talk to much bc i annoy ppl, and keep calm. and its just to the point that i need to distract myself in class so i dont talk at all, even though i will at some point. just clicking a pen or pencil helps occupy my thoughts and makes everything and anything that i want to disappear just go away. cut my side this morning bc i just knew, someone would say something to me or abt me just so i could make sure id know that "im fine" bc i knew i wouldnt be going home until like 7:30 and i wouldve had a breakdown abt it already. i just wanna be how i was before my mental downhill spiral, when i was fine with how i was but now obviously, i hate everything abt myself. i wish had just continued as hard as i could in march when i did finally decide that i couldnt stay clean. it was an entire month and then i just, ruined it. just like that. in 5 seconds, with the blade just sliding across my wrist puts me back in december. and now at most i can only be clean for 2 or 3 days if its even that. i tell myself to keep count, but i never do bc that shit would just make everything even worse. but i also do wish ppl ik were such assholes bc all they do is make it worse. i dont like loud noises and most ppl know that, most went to the play and saw when ppl started chanting, how i covered my ears and tried to get offstage. they act like i didnt fucking tell them that i dont like loud noises, i dont like being yelled at or just yelling in general. people scream in my ears. like man, if i wasnt trying to be nice id scream at you rn but, its just not something i could ever do. then im just used to being second choice ein everything, im used to not being the first person asked, im used to not being the first person asked to do anything. but then when i ask someone most of the time they just say no, or say they're already out with someone. like of course thats not my fault or anything, nor theirs. but man, id really fucking like to go out and do something. most the time im just at home, on my laptop aall day doing nothing because my dad works 24/7, used to that. always work then kids for him, then if i ask my mom to hang out shes either on the phone with serene, asleep, or gone, so ofc im used to that aswell. i swear i do nothing and it just makes everything worse. i mean, give someone who has been addicted to sh for months, was on the edge of commiting suicide, and feels like shes going that way now hours sitting in her room, normally at her desk with kinda asshole parents who make everything feel 10x worse who has a blade 2 feet left, anf 3 feet up. i mean.
