Notes

I'll be sending this on the 16th of September, 2 days before the Born Ruffians concert in which you are still fully entitled to your ticket and I think it would be a perfect way to start reconnecting again. My mom thinks you won't come, but I wish we could prove her wrong. We'll even pick you up from Burlington, even Union station if that's what it takes for me to even get a glimpse of you. I told my parents it was a mutual "break" so don't be afraid to face them even if you do decide to come, even if it's just for the concert.

I don't know if were going to have talked before this, but I highly doubt we have talked since whenever, but if not, I'm going to send this regardless and whether you answer or not, if it doesn't change anything then so be it, but I need you to read it/feel it/and reconsider it. It's been hard not to text you, but I've tried and tried and this is it. It's just my only fear is that you met someone else, someone who comforted you at your time of need, someone who you can see daily. I feel like maybe that's the reason all of this ended in the first place, with the exception of the things I said, I feel like you fell in love with someone else and now that I think about it, I'm starting to fucking cry because I hope that isn't the reality. I feel like you found someone better than me, someone who will accept you for you, even though I know I did that because I love you. Literally, the only reason why these thoughts are coming to my head now is because you favourited two tweets "I think we'd be a lovely mess" and "when u highkey want someone but you tryna be lowkey" and it fucking kills me seeing that because it shows that you've already/possibly FELL out of love with and that there is virtually no chance WE will EVER get back together and that's not a reality I'm trying to face because I know you still love me and I know we can STILL get back together, please look past these differences and look at our past and how beautiful it was and still can be. I know you deserve someone better, someone perfect and even though that's not me, please sleep on this and reconsider our love for each other and how beautiful those 5 months were. Please don't give up on this yet, because this break is merely here to help us move forward.

I called you something that I never thought I would ever say to you, yet I still did. I picked out your weaknesses and I used them to hurt you and put you in a place of no return. You opened up to me about your past and mental illness and I did whatever I could to put you to shame. I am a horrible person, yes. I'm not perfect, I'm fully aware. My only hope is for you to try and forgive me cause I know that YOU know I would never intentionally say something to hurt your feelings. I want you to understand I was in a deep hole, my whole world was crashing down and throughout all the effort I tried to make you change your mind, you never budged so I tried to bring you down with me and I want you to know I'm sorry, I was frustrated and I reacted without accepting defeat. I never wanted to hurt you and I never planned to do so over the last 5 months of our relationship. I don't know how the break up affected you, but it ruined me, I cried maybe every single day of the week because I honestly never thought this day would come after those wonderful 5 months with you, I was invited into your home by your family and I feel like they actually did like me, your home felt like a second home to me and I wish I could just rewind all of this back to the 3rd and make this all better, I want to actually say see you soon and kiss you for a solid 10 minutes. All I can do is try and ask for your forgiveness and I hope you look past this after this little break we are going through and accept me into your life again. It's been a crazy last two weeks with school, work and knowing that I'm not in a relationship with you because after a long school day and a shift right after I looked forward to talking to you, face timing and in general spending time with you, even if it's through skype or face time. This is an apology, I wish you can understand or see how sorry I really am. I was frustrated and I let that frustration out on you. I can see and feel what it's like to be even mildly depressed after this break up, I've never felt this way before because well no one has made me feel like this before. Trust me when I say this, I never wanted this to happen and I really hope we can move forward, together.

It's been a torturous 2 weeks without seeing you say good morning or good night anymore. We were meant for each other because neither of us would have never made the trips if we were never meant for each other. You would have never came to St. Catharines for only a dinner and a movie and leave at 2 in the morning, that's how I know we we're meant for each other. I would have never smoked in my life if it wasn't for you. I couldn't believe when you said we aren't made for each other, it killed me inside, cause I know we are, there are so many times where I looked at you and realized this is the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with, you put me on top of the world even at your lowest and did everything in your power to keep me there, I learned so much and experienced so much with you and I don't want it to ever end. WE ARE SOULMATES, simply being in the car with you at the drive in, EVEN though you fell asleep I felt like I was in paradise, simply having you near me is like a drug and I'm sure this break from each other will prove to be something that will make us a stronger couple. If this does actually workout and we start dating again that means this IS REAL. I love you and I will always love you. As much as it kills me to say it, if this doesn't work out, I can't afford to see myself lose you to someone else and I can't afford trying to find someone else because even if I try the slightest bit I'll try and compare her to you in every way: "Chelsea would say this or do that" and I don't want to be in that situation, because I don't want to compare that someone else with you, I want that someone else to be you. I understand your frustration, anger and hatred towards me and I don't blame you, I stepped into a boundary where I never should have gone, but please explain my reasoning in why I did it, I was frustrated, angry, sad, I was feeling all these feelings and I couldn't comprehend anything I just wanted to scream and run and shout. All those things over that night was something else, a side of me you'll never see again and not because we won't be together, but because I can change and I can change for the better of this relationship, I've never gotten mad at you over the smallest of things, so yes, I know you can put up with my temper for the rest of your life, because I'll protect you no matter what. Hopefully, you'll still love me and/or have feelings for me so we can simply "try" again. The first few weeks, even months, will not be easy, but we can try. We can try to be together again, I take so much pride in calling you my girlfriend, it gives me a sense of happiness, a sense of pride, a sense of just feeling on top of the world knowing there's a small town girl, wherever she may be, who loves me unconditionally and loves me for me.

It's crazy how much I pushed you away by nagging and nagging for you to answer me when I know this was one of the most important weeks of your life, unfortunately, it only took me after the break up to realize I pushed you away with every stupid text I sent. A guy on my soccer team had the same situation where his girlfriend left for, ironically, Trent university, and he was so supportive of her, and I know I congratulated you a lot and I'm so happy you chose the school you love but I can't deny that I fucking wish you were right around the corner, life would be so much more easier if you were just a minute away, but that's not the reality and I know it's tough. I wish I could have been so strong just like him. I'm not sure if you know her but her name is Emily Federochuk, could have possibly met already, I don't know. It must have been so stressful and overwhelming trying to enjoy your time and then there's me stupid Luciano being so selfish of your time trying to make it my own and force yourself onto me. Please understand that I only wanted the best, but in the end I did this to myself. I know we aren't done, like you said on the 8th because there's still so much growing for us to do together and I know we'll never stop. Yes, it's scary being committed to someone for so long when I say forever but please understand my only goal in life is to marry you Chelsea, how ever many years down the road, I want my last name to just sound so slick and perfected after you introduce yourself as "Chelsea Reyes". Those things you said, I know you didn't mean it, it was all so much to focus on that everything must have happened to quick and you said that "we are done" and "not going to be with you anymore" just to create a little escape zone, I know I do it when I used to say "I can't handle this anymore, I wish you two never met so I would have never been born" to my parents when they would constantly would fight, I never meant it, but I said it because I was hurt, confused and overwhelmed by the constant fighting. I understand and deep down I know you want to be in a relationship with me still, because I don't want to jinx it and see that they're deleted the next day, but those Instagram photos are still up so I know there HAS to be something there, but you didn't want to deal with it right there and then so we decided that time and space away from each other would be necessary and I can just hope on my soul that we'll be a couple by the end of this. I'll stay faithful to you for the proceeding weeks considering this is all being done the week of the concert and although you cross my mind once in a while, my daily runs, work, school and the support from my parents have helped take the stress and weight off my mind, but there's still the thought of you, laying down on your couch together, cuddled up so nice and close under the blanket, Ginny curled up into a little ball on the other couch, you lay your head on my chest and then I put my arm around your shoulder and hug you tight until you lean back and give me that little peck and whisper those words "I love you". It's just fighting it that makes it difficult and I know we will end up together before October 3rd. Before that beautiful 6 month mark I've dreamt of since we started dating.

I know I've lied to you, but I can 100% assure you I have nothing to hide from you. I am still that city boy you fell in love with. Nothing different. There was no different person from 3 months into our relationship or after it, it was not a lie about who I was, just people I was related to. I'm still that dorky star wars fan with a cute belly button. So, please, reconsider this whole thing, understand I'm so sorry, understand that I never meant that, understand that WE ARE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER, understand that we can try this relationship again because were lovers then, now and we always will be, understand I can change, understand that I am willing to accept days were we may talk for only 10 minutes or none at all, I can change Chelsea, understand that your loyalty and faith towards me is impeccable and I take that for granted over the smallest things, you could have cheated on my during the summer with our distance so there's no difference now. Please take my hand, never let go. All I'm really asking for now is to come to the Born Ruffians concert and we can talk then. I hope to see you soon Heavy black heart️ Everyone I had ever cared for has left me on way or another, everyone except for you, so don't tell me I'll be better off with someone else, because the truth is I would just be more scared.

"When I look into your eyes, and you're looking at mine, everything feels not quite normal.
Because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time.
I feel excited and at the same time terrified.
The truth is...
I don't know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be."

So, here goes...

Chelsea Lynn Harris, will you make me the happiest guy in the world by forgiving me and take my hand as my girlfriend? I promise we will never come to this point and that this break was merely something needed to understand that giving this relationship another try is what we both want.